I'll walk alone.

Wanna get married or run away?

2005-05-03T07:10:00.000-05:00

New blog: www.pyraangel.blogspot.com

2005-05-02T11:39:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Sunshine Anderson - Heard it all before
Mood: Extremely happy/excited/sad (if possible) :P

Wow wow wow. Where have you been? *collapse* Well. I had a most wonderful, spectacular, breath taking time with Mark. He arrived here Thursday night and left this morning. Man.. what an awesome time.. We got along right away. We went out on small yet romantic dates. Sorry.. I'm just so happy and excited. I was sad this morning when he had to leave. Just thinking about him coming back though is love(I can't do the heart symbol because it mistakes it for some HTML tag -_-). He was only suppose to stay till Sunday but he missed the flight, then got put on standby, there wasn't any room.. so he was gonna be at the airport all night. I texted him wishing him a good flight.. and he texted back that he was stuck there the night.. so we got him a hotel room for another night. I was kinda sad/happy.. because I didnt want him to leave.. but he has his job and stuff in Texas. We have so many plans though. I'm so excited. Sorry if my topics are randomly spread apart. I'm just in lala land. We went walking to parks and stuff.. just talking.. we went to a mall type thing and we had ice cream.. we were walking and laughing.. we ate out and in randomly. We did crazy stuff like try walking through the drive thrus at McDs and Burger King. It didn't work though. They detect metal.. so we walked to the window.. and I asked the guy if we could order food thru drive thru because it was late and the walk in was closed. Kinda flirtingly he said 'let me ask the manager'. She was mean. 'You can't do that.' Pfft. Moneys money lady. ._. Man.. it was just *happy sigh* so cool. Adventurous. :p He kept picking flowers off trees and bushes for me. He also got me this cute teddy bear and heart shaped container. He put a flower behind my ear... Ok ok. sorry. I'm just filled with happy thoughts. :P! I like romantic stuff.. and he is romantic.. under all the cop talk, etc. He wouldn't show me any moves. :( *pout* :P Love you, Mark. ^^ We even went to church on Sunday.. talked about random topics and our feelings on religion.. It was cool. :) I better get ready for work.. Till later.. :P

WHY THE HELL CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?

2005-04-27T10:24:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I upset Mark.. AGAIN. Good job Ally. What happened? Well I like certain songs and I say what I'm listening to on almost every blog. If I'm not listening to it, it's playing in my head. So I wrote a blog like.. a day ago. On the bottom of the blog I put the words "thank you :)". So he starts asking me what I meant and I said 'oh nothing' in a text to him. Then he started panicing I guess and said something along the lines of 'you have been listening to Eagles - I cant tell you why and Orleans - still the one. Am I about to get hurt?'. So I was fumbling with my cell trying to respond but it kept giving me this error msg so I canceled the current msg and started another saying I'd explain it later because the professor wont stop lecture just so I can type another long msg in my cell. Then Mark got upset and said something like 'I knew itdlf. I habr ti go hobne.' Which stands for: I knew it. I have to go home. I txt him back. 'WHAT? That's not what I meant! not at all!'. And I'm tuning out what I need to be listening to right now.. because I have no clue what's being said and I need to learn about floaters. I'm sorry Mark. I'm an asshole. I won't name songs that I'm listening to anymore. Sorry to make you worry. Forgive me please. SORRY. Ugh.. I need to know this shit.. *tries to catch up* -_-

Just hold on tight..

2005-04-27T07:10:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Eagles - I can't tell you why
Mood: Happy

Goodmorning. Yay. Today's programming class. ^^ I really need to read a few chapters this weekend when I get the chance. Not too much going on as of yet. Usually I'm more productive with words when blogging, but today I just feel kinda spacey. Mark flies in tomorrow and I'm looking foreward to it. Yay. Another short vacation before class and work can start kicking my ass again. *smiles* Hopefully this weekend is a fun one. I warned him though that in person I'm a little weirder. The reason being is that I don't know too much how to act around people. "Aren't you a customer service rep at work?" Yea.. but that doesn't mean I know how to act or what to talk about when around people who want to hang out. Remember: I'm kinda a loner. x,x So I hope I don't bore him or anything. And if that's the case, I'll make random remarks and hope for a smile or connection. x,x Isolation from people is (insert heart).

Hm.. thank you.. :)

Boring.. =/

2005-04-26T09:47:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Orleans - Still the one
Mood: Spiffy

Ugh. I am bored out of my mind. Yes, I'm sitting in my Webmasters Foundations class. Today we are building a web page about blue birds using the simple html provided. I'm so antsy. I feel like doing jumping jacks or something. My ass hurts. ;-; So out of boredum I created another blog. A more personal blog than this where I can vent all my feelings without anyone talking about anything they see on it. 2 days left till Mark comes. Not too sure how that's gonna go but I hope it goes well. It seems like fun. Work is ok. I'm busy putting together the new card system which hasn't come in yet, but getting rid of the old cards and old system IS part of getting ready and starting the new one. Customers are all happy that our cards are 33 cents atm. Well, about 80% of them are. Like I said.. a little bored atm. -.-' I talked to Mark this morning which started my day out great. I fell asleep last night after talking to him on the phone. My body was just too tired and I got really lazy. My mom is bugging me to make the family a web site. She wants me to make a site where my cousins can come on and chat/leave a msg on a msg board. The site would have to do with her plan to have a family reunion this Thanksgiving. Like I told her, I don't really have time. I'm still trying to get focused on doing my hw as it is. Um.. just can't wait to leave here.. um.. bored.. -.-; um.. so far the only cool thing today was making the new blog. Yes.. it is an evil blog. Such an evil blog that it has me sitting in a chair, stroking a cat that's sitting on my lap evily. mwhahaha. Till later..

Raindrops are falling on my head..

2005-04-25T07:09:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Kelly Clarkson - The trouble with love is
Mood: Supposibly content

*sits down* Thank you for the grand entrance. *eye roll* Right now I'm at a crossroads. Kinda crushed, kinda bruised, kinda broken. Actually, I lied. I'm more tired of this than any of the other things I named. It sucks when you just feel like walking away from everything. I really should stop going on IRC or maybe I should just stop dating. I didn't do any of my hw this weekend. Not because of the trip, but because I was busy on IRC when I had the chance to do something. Thankfully, the professor said it was due Wednesday and that we were gonna work on it some today. I was praying about the current issues I'm having on the way to class. After thinking about it, I saw it foolish to pray about such a thing. I felt kinda ashamed. Here I am wasting God's time about some stupid issues when I can handle them myself. So I said 'you know what? screw what I said. Just please help me focus on being a better Christian and doing well in my classes'. I really do think this is more neccessary. I mean how much of an asshole can I be? Here I am selfishly praying about some relationship issues when someone is dying or begging for The Lord's help on something 20 million times as worse as my problem.. yet I continue to hassle The Lord about my stupid human problems. I only hope He'll forgive me and use His work and love on someone who deserves it. So I decided that I'll stop praying about it. I haven't got much an answer anyway. I think He's leaving this one up to me. Ok. Gl. So anyway, Mark comes in 3 days. Am I happy about this? Of course. I hope it'll clear some things up. If it doesn't, there is obv something wrong with me and I'll just say screw it and screw the whole situation. I'm tired of this shit. I really need to focus on doing well in class and my Christian duties.. well, blah. I need to do some hw.. till later.. Oh.. and the trip was good. I think my grandma forgave me so I forgave her.. hehe. Can't wait for 3 days.. kinda.. ._.; Man, when I was rather foolish I could only dream of two guys fighting over me. It use to sound so great in my head.. but it's just making my heart cry. I will stop talking to Chris as much.. I cant promise completely.. but I will cut down a lot.. Er.. see I'm not a good g/f. Mark if you want me to completely stop talking with him.. just say so.. see.. that's my head and heart conflict. I say I take a gun to both(my head + heart) and let them bite the bullet. Pfft. I know nothing about any of this. Joel, you were right. I am a bad g/f. I don't know wtf I am doing, so yea. Renegade +10. All I can say is this issue is rather new to me.. but w/e. That's not a valid excuse. I just hope all who I hurt can forgive me. Pfft.. I better stop.. I've cried enough over men. I really have. It's time to cry some tears of joy..

Other News: Yay!! I just got done working on some C homework. This is so awesome. I made my first script! Yes, I am overexcited.. yes.. I am a geek. ._.' But I feel so accomplished. I had a few errors and figured them out by myself. :) This roxors. *loves programming* well.. I love it so far.. *falls over day dreaming, her eyes with hearts in them*. Ok.. that's overdoing it. >>; <<; *runs*

baby, come to meeeeee.

2005-04-21T07:13:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Four Seasons - Who loves you
Mood: happy

Yay. Today's Thursday and I'm feeling ready for that vacation. I think this will be a nice break from all stress factors: work, class, IRC issues. IRC issues? Are there such things? Sure there are. I'm a horrible g/f, you know that? I'm always the one who "has to be nice" and who "can never be mean or hurtful". Here I am saying these things and yet I continue to torchure 2 people whom I care about.. a lot. Yeah. Good job Alektra. *Eeent(buzze)* wrong. Man.. Mark has done nothing but be good to me.. and here I am actting like an asshole because of some feelings in the past. You know what? That's gonna change. Today I'm going to try and be a better person in general, but especially to him. Mark, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. And don't say I don't have to be. I'm really sorry. You've done nothing but be good to me, supporting me, loving me.. and here I am, some girl who won't let her past go. I wouldn't blame you if you dump me. I really don't deserve such a man. You're greater than I can ever imagine.. it's like somehow some lucky girl was meant to find you, but instead of heading down the right path, you bumped into some girl like me along the way. Some girl who can't touch near your excellance. Maybe your friends were right. Maybe I'm not meant for you and you should just go back the way you came and get back on the right path. Though when I offer you such an option, you say to me it'll be worth it, that no one makes you feel like I do, and that I fill the hole you've had in your heart so long. Thanks for such sweet comments, tho I don't deserve them. Mark.. please don't ask me what's "wrong with you". There isn't anything wrong with you Mark. You wonder why girls in the past cheated on you or dumped you. Want to know why? Because they couldn't handle such a wonderful man. They lost control and came crashing down. Don't ask yourself why you aren't good enough. Perhaps you're too good. Maybe some of are too blind to take that and use it right, treat you right.. I guess I am part of that. One of those who has no clue and will know what she's missing when she's lost you. You don't deserve to be torchured. This is my apology to you. From today on.. and however long we are dating, I'm going to treat you right. I'm sorry Mark.. I love you. Forgive me for being stupid. I always was. Just try to cheer up dear. If I can't cheer you up, I don't deserve you obv. Just take care sweetie.. try to have a nice day. :)

Other news: Just sitting in class.. I had fun talking to Chris last night. Though I went to sleep late, I got about 8 hours of sleep. Chris.. thanks for being such a good guy.. and my friend. You're sweet.. *hugs tightly* You're such a wonderful guy.. have a great day. <:)

Till later..

It will tear you up insideeeee. =o

2005-04-20T08:27:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Kelly Clarkson - The trouble with love is
Mood: Interesting x.x'

Side note: Fuck you >'s. I posted a long ass blog and a damn > messed it up so I have to retype.

Yay. Today is my first day of my programming 1 class. The text book I received is really thick. "How to Program: Introducing C++ and Java". m00t. So far the class is interesting. I'm not about to fall asleep like in Webmaster Foundations. I just hope that I can keep up. Homework may be a problem, but I'll try harder for this class. Coding and programming in general are love. ;)

Today we learned some interesting things. Google may be coming out with it's own OS. GooOS I think it would be called. Right now, I think there is too much competition in the field tho. Between MS, Mac, Linux, etc.. Google is trying to gain trust of people thru GMAIL. I fell in love with Apple's web browser, Safari. I am sad because I can't use it. It's so sexy looking though. ;-; Yes, I am a geek. Stfu. roflll.

Other news: Talked to Chris last night which helped cheer me up from a long ass, harsh day. We just talked about random stuff.. I thought it was so wonderful. He's really a great guy. And, NO.. I'm not saying anything... --' I'm probably gonna talk to Mark after class. I'm hungry. ;-;

Till later...

I **** you crazy then I'm gone. <- rofl. --'

2005-04-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: various Cingular ringtones?
Mood: Pretty Good ;)

What is there to do besides be completely bored? I'm sitting in my currently new class titled "Webmaster Foundations" just searching the Cingular site for some hot ringtones. This class is a snore so far. 'What is an URL?' Pfft. This professor couldn't even find a site where metatags were used. She was skimming right over it. I guess I could learn a thing or two if I read the text by myself at home. Anywho, while searching the Cingular site for ringtones, I found a couple rap tones I like. Too bad I would only assign such tones to friends who like rap. Maybe I should have Mew(Joel) call me at times just so I can hear "Ja Rule - Always on time" ( ;) :P) or Chris call for "Pink Floyd - Hey you". I still need to find out what song Mark really likes or even likes to some extent. Today I need to ask my boss for this weekend off. Why? I may just be going to NJ to visit my grandma! I hope he lets me. I'm already taking next weekend off when Mark comes. I can't wait! ^^ Today is the 8 day left point. Weee. If I visit my grandma, I'll be gone for like.. 3 days. Omgosh... will you live without the internet for 3 whole days?! I suppose I will. I really need a vacation from it anyway with whats all been going on. Chris said that he was alright last night. I just hope he continues to be strong. I wish him the best.. and hopefully we'll be able to talk to one another once again really soon. Oh, Joel, stop leaving sexy comments in my blog. Oh wait... that's impossible since you are oooooogl..er hi. ^^; *hugs* Other news: This professor is kinda lost. I'm happy I got a lot of sleep last night. 7 hours is record breaking. Especially the way my past few weeks have been. I was getting about 3-4 hours a night. But uh yea. Happy with Mark. I just hope The Lord blesses this relationship to the fullest extent. We need all the blessings we can get. At least that's what I believe. Work is alright. I'm still doing the card thing and no they haven't fired me yet! Don't worry. I'm amazed too. The only thing that may be good about this class is little to no homework; I'm hoping. I can't wait till Mark comes. We have a lot of things planned. I know I may not seem overly excited atm. Give me until we have like.. 3-5 days left and I'll be overdoing it. Why am I not that excited atm? I guess I'm still recovering for certain issues. Until next time..

I won't call you baby anymore.

2005-04-17T04:33:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Low Millions - Eleanor
Mood: Decent

Not sure why, but I'm up. I'm talking to someone about current issues in my life. Wee. What a boring story. Yes, I hope to go to church today. I know I'll be tired as hell. 11 days left! weeee. I watched some MadTV eps on my comp. I love that show. Short blog for tonight. According to the opinion I am getting from this person, I should take a break from both people. Opinions? ;/

Night

yea.. :o

2005-04-13T22:12:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Pink - Most girls
Mood: Does it matter?

So today was interesting. I woke up around 7:10ish or something and left for class. We had our programming final today, which I think I did well on. Before the test my professor handed us a print out of our current grade. I think mine said 88%! Hopefully if I aced this test.. I'll have like a 97 or something. I also handed in some hw. Um.. after that I came home for a small while. Then was late for work kinda.. I missed the big boss. Not because I was late, but he left during the day. I was talking to my boss about upcoming events.. etc. So yea, overall my day was pretty good. Miss talking to someone though.. heh.. hope he's doing alright. No matter what I do I cant talk to him.. Well.. I have hw tonight also.. so I will be up doing it. Wow.. tired as frick. :/ Too bad tho.. -_- Tomorrow is my math final. Wish me luck please. I'll need it. ;/

Half and half.

2005-04-13T01:40:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head atm: Britney Spears - Everytime
Mood: unsure

Yes, I am alive. It is rather amazing seeing as to all the current events taking place in my life. No, the title of this blog is not referencing the milk type substance you pour in tea and/or coffee. It reflects where I feel I am in life. Yes, once again I am living my life against the wind. Right now I'm having issues that I have no one to talk to about so I'll rant to you since no one really reads anymore. Currently I'm alright I guess. Sudden conflict between people and myself has arisen. This morning I'm up and suppose to be doing hw but I'll get to that soon. I ended my relationship with Chris.. and started one with Mark. Well this is what you wanted, right? Yea.. then why does it feel.. iffy? I guess my conscience could be playing a major role. I feel kinda bad in a way.. I mean.. I kinda want to talk to him.. but I know what would happen, so it's better this way. The poor guy.. I feel like an ass for all this. =/ Of course people got their turn to call me a slut and say rude comments like 'you moved on fast', etc. You know what? You don't know crap about this. It's too complicated, as though I cant keep up either. It's really hard not talking to Chris. I'm always so tempted.. he did change in the end.. *sigh* I'll probably regret this later in life.. down the road. 8 months almost.. what was I thinking? -_- Sometimes I don't know. Things are better with Mark.. yet I still worry about Chris. I think about asking him how his day was, etc.. but I wont.. and I cant.. not for awhile. Ashlee isn't helping much either. Telling me how bad she feels for him and how stupid she thinks irc relationships are. You know what? she doesnt know what went on. I bet if Mark and I didnt hit it off as well Chris and I would be together for the next few years. You know.. this is so messed up.. I cant even say half the stuff I want to without hurting someone. Not even here.. I feel things though.. thoughts go past me.. I think about what could have happened etc.. *sigh* w/e.. I'm happy for the most part I guess. :/ Just waiting for Mark to visit in 15 days.. ^^ We'll see if this can work out.. if not, we tried. I still feel bad tho.. I do worry about Chris.. ldk;fkdskf;ldkf. I can't even tell him. I have him on ignore on all servers and aim.. not MSN tho. I hope he finds a nice girl.. much better than me.. and I hope he's happy.. maybe in a week I'll be able to talk to him.. I dont know.. -_-this is so stupid and confusing.. I've prayed for answers yet have received none. In other news: Today one of the big FCO bosses comes in. GL to our store. ;/ I guess this is enough time spent ranting. Thanks for listening. It helps. Especially for a person with no friends and no one to talk to. =/ I better start hw and study a little. Final exam today in programming. -_-

....?!

2005-03-31T09:06:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Lovin Spoonful - You didn't have to be so nice
Current mood: Happy (thank you.. midol)

Whoa. What the hell? It's been a long ass time since I've updated. I know. Half of the people who read my blog probably died holding their breathe so long. Don't worry, that was only a small population. Why haven't I updated in so long? Hm. Well, a lot of my days have been 12+ hour days. Work and school provide a fun, yet poisonous combonation. A lot of things have been going on as well. Stress is a major atm. Um, had a few bumps in the relationship, but hell, that happens to everyone. I'm kinda excited because a good friend of mine recently joined a server I currently go to. I haven't seen him since MD. If any of you remember FBI/Mark, then you know who I'm talking about. I think we are going to meet really soon. We talk on the phone a lot, so that's great. ^^ Am I psycho, sure! ^^ Anyways, till next time.

Conquer the world with me.

2005-02-07T22:31:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Eve 6 - Here's to the night
Feeling: Unwanted

Don't you love the feeling of getting stabbed in the back with a knife by someone you love or even care about? Love is a deadly weapon. Some choose to juggle the fireballs even when they are aware of getting burnt. Love has struck me so many times that I've become cold. People around me see what love has created. A person who travels down dark paths, many with pot holes and cliffs. Everytime I stumble, my soul becomes a little colder. I've learned to close the world out so much yet things still get to me. The paths grow darker and enemies draw in closer. I get decieved sometimes easily. Hopefully not many more times than I have in the past. Still against the wind. A continuous deadly path I shall walk.

I have to leave you..

2005-02-03T01:50:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Linda Rondstat - Adios
Feeling: blue

Sigh. I've been working on web design type things for the past two days it seems. Yes, this stuff really can suck me in easily. Though my dad said he would help take out a loan for me, he didn't sound too eager to help me. In fact, it sounded like he was yelling at my mom and angry at me for asking such a favor. My mom convinced him that he wouldn't be paying a dime of it and then, only then, did he decide he would do it. You know what? I'm tired of people already. So many times I've heard him say 'anything I can do to help'. Now that I take him up on his offer he doesn't want to help. People are really unreliable. Especially when it comes to family. In other news, if dad gets the loan papers back in time I'll be able to attend school. If he doesn't, I guess I don't which will really suck since I'm looking forward to this so much. Orientation is this Friday. Stupid depression. I keep replaying this song over and over again. I'm an idiot. ;/ Oh, my mom found a new job which will hopefully do us some good. My sister had her bday party today which was just us going out to eat dinner then come home and have ice cream cake. Sigh.. well time to go read Jimmie's journal. Oh and other peoples.. I need to talk to you more. Sorry Jimmie.. -_-

Where is my happy ending?

2005-01-30T14:42:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Phil Collins - Another day in paradise
Feeling: Desolate

I belong to no one.. and no one belongs to me. I walk the world alone yet people walk beside me. Happiness is just an illusion that was lost long ago along with my childhood. The people who I want to care, don't. They don't take interest in me or what I have to say. I've come to the concluesion that happiness will never come to me truely. Maybe when I'm dead the people who I want to care will do things in rememerence of me.. or just forget me like usual. The words that come out of my mouth mean nothing to people. When I try to speak up I'm never heard. No one even considers what I say anymore. I think.. I'm gonna use the last of my money to just take a train ride anywhere. Whereever I wind up is where I'll be. I love can't say I love anyone. Because, I don't. I really don't know what that means anymore. Those I love either end up hurting me or me them. I give up. gg life.

!

2005-01-18T02:05:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Biff Naked - Lucky
Feeling: Happy

Omgosh. I bet whoever's reading this is amazed also. "Wth? She's happy? This is some mistake." Nah. I actually am quite happy at the moment. Well, today was pretty well all around. Today while was walking I got a call on my cell from the college I am planning on attending. The program I want to take and thought I would have to wait on taking till next September, well, let's just say they have some openings in Feb. m00t. I was happy. Now all I have to do is enroll. Yay. I'll be doing something I actually enjoy for once. Yesterday, I was asked to be part of staff on a new server. They made me a Services Administrator. I started learning commands right away and I think I've got everything I need to know down. That happening helped brighten my day also. Who made me extremely happy though was Chris. Just talking to him sometimes can bring my world from hell to Heaven. Love him. <3 =) And.. that's all for now, folks.

Replay

2005-01-15T01:53:00.000-05:00

Love never lasts..
I should be one to know
It's like people come and show you love
then disappear like melting snow

The ones who I've trusted
far from near
as life continues and I think back
I shed a tear

Promises made in vain
just replay over and over again
thoughts of you once close are now so far
the ones I loved most are no more

Change comes to us all
the way we handle it
we watch each other fall

There really is no love in this world
to die for someone else is overrated
All you're gonna do is end up hated

He came one winter night..

2005-01-13T21:59:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: n/a
Feeling: Clean [shower]

He came one night
I shelted him from the rain
the evening brought silence
and darkness the same

Though I loved him for sometime
I still see someone else in his mind
Don't try to lie
the words only sting
This isn't the end of me
but the beginning

The words we once said to one another are now dead
but it's ok

You don't know it but tonight I shall leave
I'm destined to be somewhere else
Where?
Fate shall lead..

~Alektra

x_x 5 am.........

2005-01-11T02:51:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Steve Miller Band - Joker
Feeling: Tired
Before I went to sleep I decided to see if Chris updated his LJ. It seems he did. After reading I followed a link posted in the entry. I then found myself answering this questionare to see which "NetHack Moster" I was.
My results:

 |.+.+#

|.i.|

#+...| 

If I were a NetHack monster, I would be a tengu. I'm always in the right place at the right time, and am quick to avoid people that I'd rather not be with.

Which NetHack Monster Are You?

That seems to describe me very well except for the being in the right place at the right time part. :p
What are you?

Now for a survey. If you want to learn a little more about me, now's your chance. Probably your only one. :/ Yes, I am crazy for staying up and completeing a survey with over 200 questions.

Really Long Survey (over 200)
Created by starsbleed2nite and taken 60246 times on bzoink!
What is your name?	Alektra
Are you named after anyone?	No
What's your screename?	Pyra
Would you name a child of yours after you?	Probably not. Maybe something close though. :p
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?	um... Darien
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?	Samantha
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?	Oh hell yes..irl - Electra, Alectra, Elektra, Alley
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?	Yes
Basics
Your gender:	Female
Straight/Gay/Bi:	Straight
Single?	Not married. I do have a wonderful boyfriend though.
If not, do you want to be?	No.
Birthdate:	6 - 19 - 87
Your age:	17
Age you act:	21
Age you wish you were:	Maybe.. 19
Your height:	5'6ish
Eye color:	Green though they sometimes look more blue
Happy with it?	Hell yeah.
Hair color:	Strawberry blonde
Happy with it?	WHAT? HUH? OKAAY. YEA YA.
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:	Righty
Your living arrangement:	A dark prison with whips, chains, and handcuffs. A house. DUH. :)
Your family:	Annoying. I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers. Wee. One mom and one dad. Mom had 6 kids, dad has 8.
Have any pets?	I personally don't. My sis has a dog and my bro has two guinea pigs. One piggy is so cute.
Whats your job?	Cashier \ Customer service at Factory Card and Party Outlet. www.factorycard.com
Piercings?	Yep. In my ears. Two in the right ear and one in the left. I want more though. :(
Tattoos?	Nope. I'm thinking about getting one sometime though. I better make sure I want whatever it is though first. :p
Obsessions?	None that I know of..
Addictions?	Sex, Just kidding. Chat rooms definetly.
Do you speak another language?	Yea. Chat.
Have a favorite quote?	"Can't you ever do anything right?" - mom
Do you have a webpage?	Yea.. but nothing worth showing off. It was more for testing purposes. Probably doesnt even exist anymore.
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?	Not certain.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?	Yes.. very.
Do you have any secrets?	A lot of secrets. I keep a lot of things from people around me. I've been called some things such as "weird".
Do you hate yourself?	No.
Do you like your handwriting?	Yes.
Do you have any bad habits?	Yes.. biting my nails..
What is the compliment you get from most people?	This is gonna sound silly but when I go out for walks sometimes guys honk their horns and wave. I've gotten that a lot. No lies. They are blind obv. :/
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?	I'll walk alone..
What's your biggest fear?	change
Can you sing?	I.. don't think so.
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?	Not that I know of. Maybe once or twice in life. I do like to make friends laugh though by making fun and pretending to be other people.
Are you a loner?	Yes but I do like to have some friends.
What are your #1 priorities in life?	My family, my love life, work, school
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?	yes
Are you a daredevil?	depends what you want me to do. Sometimes I like to be a show off and take up dares just to show I'm not afraid.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?	I fear that I may become too dark someday and forget what love is.
Are you passive or agressive?	passive
Do you have a journal?	Yes.. online and off.
What is your greatest strength and weakness?	strength - love weakness - hate
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?	I'd like to be a little taller physically. I'd like to be a lot happier otherwise.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?	I can be if I choose to be.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?	I regret a lot of the mistakes I've made in life. A lot. :/
Do you think life has been good so far?	Yes.. I could be a lot happier if I always kept in mind how fortunate I am though I don't.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?	Love sucks. Trust no one. Right now love doesnt suck though because Chris is the best. <3
What do you like the most about your body?	My hair, eyes, height, shape.
And least?	height.. if that makes any sense. :p I want to be taller.
Do you think you are good looking?	I guess.. I've been told so.. by my wonderful man.
Are you confident?	Yes and no
What is the fictional character you are most like?	Sailor moon
Are you perceived wrongly?	Yes.
Do You...
Smoke?	No
Do drugs?	No
Read the newspaper?	Rarely
Pray?	A lot. Not enough though.
Go to church?	Yes
Talk to strangers who IM you?	Not really
Sleep with stuffed animals?	Yes.. the kitten Chris gave me for Christmas.
Take walks in the rain?	YES. Omgosh.. I almost love doing that. I feel so free. It's like I have some sort of connection with the rain.
Talk to people even though you hate them?	I don't hate anyone though I will talk to people I highly dislike.
Drive?	Not yet.
Like to drive fast?	Will.
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?	It's ok...
Hurt yourself?	yes.. not badly though.. I think I got pissed once and punch a hard wall.
Been out of the country?	No
Eaten something that made other people sick?	..I think so. lol
Been in love?	Yes. Twice.
Done drugs?	No
Gone skinny dipping?	No
Had a medical emergency?	Yes..?
Had surgery?	Maybe when I was an infant
Ran away from home?	Not that I can remember though I like to think about it a lot.
Played strip poker?	No
Gotten beaten up?	No. This one kid punched me in the face when I was 11. (guy that liked me, long story, ask me) I just stood and looked at him till he ran away. Also this one girl slapped me.
Beaten someone up?	No.. that guy I mentioned above, well I chased after him after he started running. I was a tough kid. Oh and that girl was lucky I didn't beat her ass down. FL. Great place :)
Been picked on?	Yes.. throught elementry.. by these two girls. I had major problems back then and my family was super poor. We lived in a basement and used food stamps.
Been on stage?	Yes. for band and I started this dancing singing group when I was younger with my friends.
Slept outdoors?	at camp.. and other places.
Thought about suicide?	Oh hell yea.. tons of times.
Pulled an all nighter?	Yep. Being online sure can deprive you of sleep. Wow. 4:28 AM currently.
If yes, what is your record?	um about 1 day and a half. 36?
Gone one day without food?	yes.. gatorade works too.
Talked on the phone all night?	I use to talk to this guy Mike all the time.. we'd talk for hours into the night. I got my cell phone taken away after a $500 phone bill.
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?	Yes :)
Slept all day?	Yes
Killed someone?	hahaha.. like I'd say that online.
Made out with a stranger?	No..
Had sex with a stranger?	No..
Thought you're going crazy?	Yes
Kissed the same sex?	No.. but I was friends with this one girl in school and I've thought about kissing her once.. I wasn't Christian then.
Done anything sexual with the same sex?	No......... Thank God no.
Been betrayed?	Yes.. by everyone.
Had a dream that came true?	Yea.. I got to go meet and stay with Chris for a weekend.
Broken the law?	Yes.. I forget when though.
Met a famous person?	Cant remember right now..
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?	Yes.. when I was an infant I sat on a chair and killed my kitty :(
On purpose?	no
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?	yes
Stolen anything?	maybe?
Been on radio/tv?	No.. but in the newspaper yes. When I was born and when the bball team I played for went to the playoffs and champs.
Been in a mosh-pit?	no
Had a nervous breakdown?	yes
Bungee jumped?	no
Had a dream that kept coming back?	Yes.. about these cars that would chase my family and I through our own house. Then another dream about these people chasing me through woods.
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?	Maybe.
Miracles?	Yes.
Astrology?	Maybe
Magic?	Yes.. but it's evil.
God?	Yes.
Satan?	Yes.. but he's a bad guy.
Santa?	No
Ghosts?	Yes..
Luck?	Yes
Love at first sight?	No
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?	No..
Witches?	Yes.. they are evil though. Demons from the devil himself. :/
Easter bunny?	no
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?	..yes.. if one really tries.
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?	no
Do you wish on stars?	maybe?
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?	Somewhat..
Do you think God has a gender?	No..
Do you believe in organized religion?	I guess?
Where do you think we go when we die?	We wait for God to lift us out of the ground when our time comes and He is ready to.
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?	Use to
Who is your best friend?	My boyfriend..
Who's the one person that knows most about you?	No one really.. :/
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?	God has.. in many ways.
Your favourite inside joke?	not sure.. I'm getting tired.. it's almost 5 am.
Thing you're picked on most about?	I WAS picked on for looks and because I was poor. When I was younger I had little to no friends and I had speech problems.
Who's your longest known friend?	Sammy I guess.. she's an online friend. IRL.. I guess this girl named Katlin.
Newest?	Jimmie
Shyest?	Chris
Funniest?	Joel
Sweetest?	Chris
Closest?	Chris
Weirdest?	Joel
Smartest?	Chris
Ditziest?	Jimmie?
Friends you miss being close to the most?	My old friends who I grew up with in Jersey and then the ones I had for about five years in FL. Now I'm in NC. We move a lot. :/
Last person you talked to online?	Myself
Who do you talk to most online?	Chris
Who are you on the phone with most?	Family usually.. work..
Who do you trust most?	Right now..irl no one really..
Who listens to your problems?	Chris
Who do you fight most with?	family
Who's the nicest?	My brother Heinrich
Who's the most outgoing?	mom
Who's the best singer?	sister..?
Who's on your shit-list?	hahah. A lot of people irl.
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?	....hehehe. Yes.. a lot actually. I still do. :p Because he's more than a friend but the definition he fits under has the word "friend" in it. ;p
Who's your second family?	Work.
Do you always feel understood?	No
Who's the loudest friend?	this woman I work with called Barb
Do you trust others easily?	No
Who's house were you last at?	Not house but dorm. Chris'. x_x
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:	Chris' :)
Do your friends know you?	No.. probably not.
Friend that lives farthest away:	Chris.. ;-;
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?	Sometimes.. not currently I don't.
What do you find romantic?	Oo.. a lot of things. I'm pretty sure I'm a born romantic. I like getting sweet talked, flowers, bubbles baths with grapes, that sort of thing.. and more.
Turn-on?	rofl..... this thing is starting to make me suspicious. But anyway, my neck is my weakness. I get turned on a lot by that and by sex talk I guess. >.>
Turn-off?	if you turn me on and then suddenly stop and want to do something like play a video game or something, I'll be pissed off. lol
First kiss?	Well.. this guy that use to like me irl gave me a kiss on the cheek. This was when I was like.. 12. He use to ask me to sleep over too.. :/
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?	I would guess to give them a shot.. Not sure though. I usually totally dismiss someone I dont like.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going	Yes
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out	Er.. once I think I thought that.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv	Er.. no?
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?	I hope to God.
What is best about the opposite sex?	...rofl. It's almost 5 am. DO NOT ASK ME QUESTIONS THAT CAN POSSIBLY HAVE R RATED ANSWERS.
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?	"Men". I guess a lot of them are full of themselves or total asses. I think my man is great though.
What's the last present someone gave you?	cds and a stuffed kitten
Are you in love?	Mhm.. happily too. I just wish we lived closer. He's so wonderful.
Do you consider your significant other hot?	Definetly.. ;)
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?	Dallas
You wanted to kill?	brother
That you laughed at?	brother
That laughed at you?	people
That turned you on?	my boyfriend :x
You went shopping with?	mom and sis
That broke your heart?	ex-b/f and all the people who I thought I could trust
To disappoint you?	dad
To ask you out?	No one lately though this guy at CVS keeps hitting on me when I go to shop there. He said they'd be open 24/7 soon and if I needed a job.. -.-
To make you cry?	people
To brighten up your day?	boyfriend
That you thought about?	boyfriend
You saw a movie with?	family
You talked to on the phone?	boyfriend
You talked to through IM/ICQ?	gohangirl aka vgg
You saw?	family
You lost?	people I truely care about
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?	Where? It's 5 am. I'm not a dumbass.
Will it be with your significant other?	I wish.. I could be snuggling him right now. ;-;
Or some random person?	No
What are you wearing right now?	OMGOSH. You got me. I'm naked! jk.. jeans and shirt.
Body part you're touching right now:	my lap... dont jump to concluesions!
What are you worried about right now?	My little sick brother..
What book are you reading?	Bible
What's on your mousepad?	it looks like the mouse pad is a magic carpet
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:	tired, worn out, content, loving, sleepy
Are you bored?	Sometimes with my life..
Are you tired?	It's.. 5 am... duh
Are you talking to anyone online?	not right now no
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?	no..
Are you lonely or content?	content
Are you listening to music?	not at the second
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

Do you remember me?

2005-01-10T14:40:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Nightwish - Ghost love score
Feeling: Weary from battle
Still alone. The same path taken as before. My footsteps continue on by themselves. I form a smoke as I breathe. This night is cold. I am all alone. My soul has taken many shots from the enemy and will from now on. I turn away from certain paths. Is it me? The darkness surrounds me from all sides. They chase me. I'm running and I won't touch the ground. I awake yet I'm still sound asleep.

Oh wth.

2005-01-10T01:50:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Ambrosia - How much I feel
Feeling: Uncertain
This world is my prison. A long time ago I was not one sticking her head between the bars to see children run and play while I remain captive. These days I watch my family and people I love run around playing in the grass. They call to me and tell me to come out, yet I will not join them and the rest of the world being corrupt. The people I think I can trust always seem to betray me. The ones I thought to be trustworthy have been lying all along. Who is left to believe when you thought you knew someone who is now a stranger? I've walked alone for sometime time now. I'm young yet old. My dreams are mere water colors to a painting. I miss when my family was one. There is no hope left and I am walking the shore by myself. The ones I trust to be by my side through it all fall behind until they disappear from sight. Why, family, have you deserted me? Why, my dear, don't you see? No. This isn't a song. This is how I truely feel. Why are you all blind? Am I so different in view that I am forced to suffer? I fall to my knees almost every night praying for your safety, yet you mock me. Spitting in my eye would be no different. Why is it that people I love, don't love You? I'd be happier if they did. And though they don't, I'll get on my knees once again tonight and talk to you about it. I'll cry for them and pray you'll open their eyes. One day I hope to die for you. I'll show You are worth so much more than my life and I'd give it all up for You. I love You.. though I can't see you. I feel you with me. And though the people of this world reject me, I see Your footprints beside mine in the sand. I need You more than anything. More than anyone. I'm sorry for every foolish thing I've ever done. Humans learn through error best I believe unless they choose to totally ignore it. Forgive me please. ...Thank You.. for everything. ='/

You're still the one. hum hum

2005-01-07T06:36:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Orleans - Still the One
Feeling: Excited / Tired

So, of course the one night of this week that I really need sleep I get little to none. I could have been sleeping for another 3 hours which would have given me about 5-6, but nooooo. My brother had to start cussing and complaining. He was saying that my other brothers didn't wake him up on time and that he was late though he did make the bus. Please. Kid. It'll be alright. Well, moving on from that. Today I have an assessment test to take to see if I stand a chance at actually learning and excelerating at this technical college. I hope I pass. The school looks so cool, well, from what I've seen of the front offices. I think today I'll leave a little early so I can look around the campus. The size of the institute seems small, but like I said, so far, nice. If I do attend I'm hoping to take up IT\Web design. Not only do I get to be creative, which I am if you haven't noticed how many ways I thought up to make a death painful, but I also get to learn some of the programs I read about for fun. Examples: VB, JS, Java, etc. :D Weee. The guy said it's a small course and a supposibly difficult one. I may not know what I'm getting myself into, but I'm willing to go for it. I should be alright. Especially since I read this stuff for fun and find super interesting. If I survive, after 18 months I could have an associates in IT\Web Design. The guy told me that the test(s) should last about two hours. Shortly after that I need to get ready for work. I better get some kind of caffine in me or this day can go to hell really fast. :p Since I haven't updated in awhile (my apologies) I will tell you what I basically got for Christmas and anything else I feel that needs to be told. For Christmas I got: books on programming and web designing, cards, boxing gloves, punching bag, a cute stuffed kitty, and some cds. The last two items named Chris sent to me. He's such a sweetheart. He also made me a Nightwish script so I no longer have regular IRC. Now I have "Nightwish SE script". :) I also dedicate the song playing in my head listed above to him. I know we haven't been together a super long time yet so it's odd I'm dedicating this song to you, but it's one of my absolute favorites. And every month that we stay together adds another one on. <3>

What do you want? I want change.

2004-12-17T21:33:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Smashing Pumpkins - Bullet with butterfly wings
Mood: standoffish
Something special(?): n/a
Today was a pleasent one. I had the day off from work so I decided to go out for awhile. I went to Starbucks and hung out there for awhile. I had a caramel frap while sitting and staring out the window at the cars going by. Next time, I think I'll sit outside and watch them. After about half an hour, I decided what the hell and went into Best Buy. I started looking around. For once in my life, I had money to buy anything I wanted. I mean, of course there is a limit. But I had the most fun just looking around and buying cds. I never really go to stores, nor buy myself stuff usually. I felt kinda free but I kept in mind that I had a limit, so it was a small but fun shopping spree. I got a few rock cds. The artists consist of: Smashing Pumpkins, Evanesence, and New Found Glory. I would have got more cds for myself, but I got more gifts for the family instead. I got my mom a small pillow type thing and a cd. I got my brother some comedy dvds. Saturday Night Live comics or something. I hope they like them. I think tonight we put our presents under the tree. I went to work today to buy my mom some more candles and my boss said I'd be working alone one Sunday after Christmas. Meaning I'll be there with one manager. *shrugs*. I love my job. Well.. if I dont update till after Christmas, Merry Christmas and happy holidays. Godbless.

=/

2004-12-15T23:08:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: n/a
Mood: w/e
Special something(?): n/a

Why the hell do I waste my time? Why do I worry and care for anyone at all? Why can't I just be one of those people who dislike everything and think everything's a waste? Work was great today. Perhaps one of the best days I'll have there. So I go to come home with my mom. I talked with her for awhile on the ride home and her day was going well also. We came into the house and it was messy with dishes in the sink. She gets upset, complains about it, etc. I can understand why she's mad. Stupid ass kids wont help worth a crap. She gets depressed and everything because my fat ass brothers ate the damn cookies she bought for teachers. What the hell? I hate coming home to this crap almost every single day. No. You know what? It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to come home anymore. Why do I have to love people? I'm wasting my time. It'd help if people could start telling the truth a little more and respecting their parents. So, what I'm going to do is pull their access to the internet and see how they behave. I'm just so sick of this crap. kfndjshfjbbsjfb. Piss on people man. I'm tired of it. =/

Here comes Christmas.

2004-12-11T10:20:00.001-05:00

Song playing in my head: Nirvana - Lithium
Mood: Content
Something special(?): Christmas coming soon.

Yeah. I survived since the last time I blogged. Oddly enough, I'm kinda happy. I guess at times things can affeect me greater than at other times. Aw well. Wow. Christmas is so close now. I have everyone presents, so I'm pretty happy about that. Thank God for this job. This past week I think I've worked near 40 hrs.. which is really good. Now.. only if I can repeat it this coming week, I should have a nice pay check. I think I've got Chris all the presents I'm gonna get him so I should be sending his package this week. (I think) I may or may not see my father this Christmas. He wants us to set up his hotel stays and everything if he comes. I'm sorry. I'm not gonna buy him a ticket up. I miss him.. but he's broken so many promises before that you just start not to care anymore. I really doubt I would care if I didn't see my family anymore in total. I've been ready for such a long time to move out and be on my own. I've already done it once. This time I think I'll stay and wait till I'm done with school and/or become full-time at this job. I think I know why I've been happy lately. They've been calling me in to work so much I'm either barely home or I've barely talked to my family members unless I have to. I emailed Chris' day the other day telling him the gifts I already got Chris. He seems like a really nice person. Well, I'm gonna clean soon. My room is almost done being painted. I guess I'll really clean good after the job is done. Later days.. Oh and thanks Joel for offering me money. Though I doubt you'd send me anything, thanks. lol.

Tomorrow is just another day.

2004-12-02T19:51:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Hootie and the Blowfish - Time
Feeling: On-edge
Special something(?): :/
Something tells me my life may get a whole hell of a lot harder soon. My mom almost walked out on her job today. She's the only real income we have. She keeps telling me how her boss and her are fighting and that he is zapping the money out of companies and not paying bills. Ugh. He didn't mention before we moved that there are months were pay isn't good at all. If she loses this job, what the hell is going to happen? This is annoying me. We moved here on the promise of my mom having a job that pays well, and now this. I'm thinking about asking Tom, my boss, to make me full-time. I don't need the benefits. I just need the pay. If my mom does lose this job, at least $9-10 an hour will help us barely survive. Maybe not the mortgage, but I'd try my hardest. Then if my mom got a job paying $10-12 an hour.. we could combine and be the way we are now basically. *sigh* Why do I always feel like this family is holding me back? I'm so bloody tired of it. If we had to move because of her getting fired and it made me have to quit my job, I'd drown in tears. It's sad, but I love going to work more than staying home. If I had to, I'd ask a close co-worker if I could stay with them or something. I don't like the idea of abandoning my family.. but what the hell is going to happen to us if she loses this job? Nothing pays as much. I'm so.. ugh. Old problems die and new ones are always ready to popup. Sometimes I think being depressed is how I was meant to live life feeling. :/

Once I rose above the noise and confusion....

2004-12-01T07:53:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Kansas - Carry on wayward son
Mood: Content
Special something(?): Good day at work Tuesday
Why is that special? Tuesdays are known to be my worse day of the week. I wonder why that changed. Odd. Anyways, yes, I am pretty happy atm. I have work soon and no I won't complain because I:
a. have a job.
b. it gives me something to do so I keep my mind from depressing thoughts.
c. allows me to have some cash that I worked hard for.
Weee. I'm also happy because one of Chris' presents came in. The thing is, it better work. Now I just need to wait for his second present. I also need to look for more because two presents is just cheap. I need at least one more. I'm also happy that I got a lot of my Christmas shopping done for my family. Let's see. I have only two people left. Eeeep. I forgot my dad. ;-; Well.. wait I guess I didn't forget if I remembered now. m00t. ;x I need to return a book to the library. I better renew it today or tommorrow. I'm a little happier that my social life is picking up some. Not a whole lot, but enough to know that I'm on the same thought level as some people. *sometimes that's not such a good thing*, but hell, I'll deal. I guess my talking to people, which I have to do at work, is getting me somewhere. Noooo doom to me. :p I'm still gonna hang around IRC though. <3 Chris. Plus, Chris is allowing me to work for crater, which is nice of him. It's kinda like the old Pojodbz, which I loved. Yay. Today it's raining.Eep. I better get ready for work.;)

Ready to settle the score?

2004-11-26T01:10:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Gloria Estefan - I wish you
Mood: savvy
Special something(?): n/a
You know what.. ? Have you ever felt like your life could get no worse? Of course. We all feel that way at some point. I find that.. though I'm down at times, other people have it a lot worse than I do. Why complain about problems then? Simple. Things impact us all differently. Right now.. I just feel.. greatful, yet, cold. Some people look at their past and can only see the bad.. and it's all they will see. Every hit we take changes us and the way we see things. There are so many things that could be different in my life right now. I get weary of my life sometimes. My soul wanders on it's own. I want to be different from other people. I am different. I'm not human. I don't ever want t0 be classified as one, either. Lost soul.. lonely soul.. ocean soul. The things I want I can not obtain. The things I have I would give away to have what I want. What I need. I know what I lack. It's something that is fading away from this world. Something this world lacks most of and will soon be found with none at all. It's not all corrupt. We're getting there though. I'm greatful for all I have.. even though it may not seem it. My soul still walks against the wind. Where will I make it to? How far? We shall see. I'm sorry if I failed any of you. =/

Bleed for me.

2004-11-24T21:15:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Nirvana - Lithium
Mood: -
Special something(?): n/a

Today was better for the most part. Got to work a little late. Bleh. So? I got to work with one person I get along with and enjoy working with. TJ doesn't get too many hours, but when he does come in my social bar lifts a little. Between him and Barb.. my fav peoples. I may get to work with Barb this Friday unless she can't make it. Bleh.. aw well. No major problems with customers today. There usually aren't though unless I'm having a bad day in total. It's kinda annoying though that everyday for the next few weeks we are going to be playing Christmas music and having a train make noises throughout the store. I'll either go nuts or lose it totally and stomp on it while yelling in front of kids. Weee. Nah. I'm not that bad. :P I'm happy cause Chris gave me some ideas for what he wants.. now I need to get my family stuffs also. No work tomorrow. Yay. Happy Thanksgiving. Not so sure about you, but I have loads to be thankful for. Though I'm kinda down...

It's been awhile.

2004-11-22T23:15:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Linkin Park - Don't stay
Mood: Content
Special something(?): Read on.
Hm. Where have I been? Well, I had a nice vacation in Boston. Er, Worcestor. I was visiting my online b/f. Surprised? Hm. I just got back today. Went Friday-Monday.. bleh. I miss him. Hopefully I'll see him again though soon. It's not everyday you find someone you can connect with. I feel like I connect with him. I know.. long distance relationships are probably going to be the end of me. I can't help it though. I don't connect with people irl. People that I find likable are found online. And dont think I just date anyone.. cause that's not true. Certain, rare personalities catch me. I just hope he puts up with me. I'm willing to stay faithful if he is. I had a great time and cant wait to see him again.. Was kinda depressed coming home. Yeah. I am a big sap. I hate sometimes being so emotional. One thing that I did like about coming home was reading up on HTML/XML. I learned a few new tricks. Hopefully I'll keep at it with this book. Oh well. I love you, Chris. You're great. Oh yea, and my bro moved into my room. I'm hoping this arrangement works out. Bleh.. hope to see my b/f again.. and hope we work out.. :/ <333 him. Work tomorrow. What fun. Well, maybe it'll cheer me up. ttyl.

Blood on you.

2004-10-31T23:15:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Foo Fighters - Gimme stitches
Mood: all right
Special something(?): n/a

Whoa. Haven't updated in some time. Why? I'm kinda lazy. That and I really use to blog a lot when in school. I've been busy with work and life. No. Not a social life. Home life. Anything new? Hm.. a couple cds, made a friend at work, able to pay bills. That about covers it. Cds? Foo Fighters "There is Nothing Left to Lose" and the greatest of Hootie and the Blowfish, 1993-2003. Didn't think I was gonna work tomorrow, but job called and asked me to come in. Ok, so maybe my boss didn't ask but told me to. This week was gonna be empty I thought. They had me scheduled to work on Tues. and Thurs. only. I'm betting he changed the schedules again on us. Aw well. The more green for me this pay check, the happier I am. Oh! I got some cards today. A pack of pokemon and 2 packs of football. Yes, I am a card junkie. That's one of the things in my life I pride. My card collection and ability to take good care of things for a long ass period of time. My pokemon collection is small compared to my football. Pokemon maybe I have.. maybe.. 100 or 200. Not sure. I must have at least 600+ football cards(maybe a lot more o_O). I've been collecting them for about 10 years now. I collect comics too, but I'm not as big on them as I am with my football cards. Shouldn't I have thousands of cards due to collecting so long? Well, I haven't always had money. Now that I have a job I can toss a couple bucks aside and add to the collection. Blah blah. Hm.. well.. time to read other people's ljs, etc. The Lord is being good to me. Real good. ^_^

Hehe.

2004-10-12T21:46:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Police - Don't stand so close to me
Mood: blithe
Special something(?): FCO customer service rep.

So, I haven't updated in a little while I see. Heh. I got that job. My boss, Tom, called Tuesday and had me start that Friday. The first 3 days were training. Monday, I think, was my first official payed day. I had today off and I go in tomorrow. The job is ok I guess. It was a little hard at first but if I try hard enough, I think I'll make it through. I get payed on the 22nd I believe. I also just got my atm/debit card in the mail. Stupid bank didn't make it visa though so I can't order stuff online. Now I have to have that redone unless I just buy stuff in the store. Bah. Aw well. Hopefully tomorrow's an easy day. Thanks for the prayers if anyone said one for me. The new job is ok. Family life is still kinda a mess, but I'm trying to ignore that. Still running against the wind..

Boy. I'll be watching you like a hawk in the sky.

2004-10-05T01:15:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Aaliyah - Are you that somebody?
Mood: Cheerful
Something special(?): Maybe

Why maybe? I may have a job. This Wednesday I find out. I'll be so greatful if I get this job. $7.00 an hour isn't bad. Especially for just starting. The interview, which wasn't expected, went rather well. At least I thought so. Where would I be working? Some place called Factory Cards & (something). I also applied at a sporting goods type place and a Japanese resteraunt. If one doesn't work, I'm hoping the other will. The good thing about being here is that there are well off people and some of them dont care if their kids get jobs or what-not. It's like Heaven seeing as many "Now Hiring" signs as I have been seeing. Hopefully someone gives me a chance though. xx; This place that I got interviewed for today has some older people that run it kinda.. nice people though. The reason for the opening(s) is due to people leaving for school and/or promotions in/at other places. Works for me. I just hope and pray I land a job soon. If I do... I'm so saving for my trip. ^^ After I'm done saving for my trip, here I come savings for school, a car, and other stuffs. :D Meep. Please wish me luck.. and if you pray, I could use a prayer or two. Thanks. Fadage. Oh yea.. and I just got done staring at my b/fs pic not too long ago.. I could soooo see him with me. I love ya babyyyyyy. ^^;

If I let you know.. you can't tell no body.

2004-10-02T22:25:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Everything but the girl - Missing [Todd Terry Club Mix]
Mood: indecisive
Something Special(?): Is there ever? :/

Hm.. not much going on. Just listening to some "you used me" and "I miss you" type music. I like the songs I am listening to though. Sometimes it just fits the mood. Server is pretty dead atm. Tomorrow I have some stuff to do. "Crop Walk", which is a walk used for helping raise money for the hungry, etc. A 3 mile walk shall do me good. After that I have plans with David. We couldn't figure out what the hell we were gonna do so we decided to play it by ear. He's gonna meet my mom and family tomorrow. What fun. Sarcasm intended. My family is.. needs help. My sister likes to act like a slut sometimes when I have guys over. She was already annoying me today. "Your boyfriend is coming over tomorrow?!" No you stupid slut. He's just a friend. I wish my boyfriend could come over. In other news, still trying to land a job. I'm keeping in touch with the Jersey Mike's Sub place. Gonna call them Monday. I hope I land this damn job. I was on hold like.. 20 mins the other day. "I forgot you were on the line." Well, it better pay off. Once I get some money I can work on my next dream. I'm probably gonna work on a poem today or tomorrow. I wrote one in my irl journal. Why don't I type them here? It's private. Poems and writing stories and songs are my own thing. Well, I better get back to paying attention to the chat.

You'd think by now you'd realize...

2004-10-01T10:24:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Eagles - Desperado
Mood: moon
Special something(?): n/a

Did some research for my mom. She should be happy. I found a decent dish company and the number to the city dump facilities. I'm thinking about going back to writing songs. I think doing so will help rid me of any anger and/or depression. I've learned a lot about myself over time. Not as much as I should, no.. but some. I find that though I am cold towards people and despise them, on the inside I'm a deep romantic. Either that or I'm just crazy. Whichever. I think I may just write songs.. learn how to play my guitar as I go along. I've found jazz and blues music rather intriging. Some nights I'd just think about being that woman that sits in the blues bars, singing to all the depressed and unloved. Hm.. care for people even if I don't know them. It's weird but like.. I feel bad when someone hurts. Even the public. When I hear an ambluence passing by or what not, I'll usually stop and say a prayer for whoever. Blah. What a big sap/loser. lol ;x

Doo dee doo

2004-09-29T09:10:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Foo Fighters - Generator
Mood: beat
Special something(?): n/a

Sooooo tired. Ugh. I went to sleep like after 4 am and woke up about 6:30 am I think. Why? Well, I planned on sleeping in till 9:30 am about which would have given me a decent amount of sleep, but none the less, mom called and started complaining about the boys. She said not to hook them up to the network, which isn't a problem yet due to not having a wireless router and network cards. ^^ But yea... blah. Little to no sleep is killing me. I really need more sleep tonight. I'm thinking maybe... 1 am. Today, I needed and still need to do my mom some favors. All I have left to do on her agenda is wrap some presents for my bro. Today's his birthday. Happy 16th birthday, D! (aka Rick) Not like he reads this.. but anywho, thinking about taking a nap soon. I'm so extremely tired. Oh, back to being happy once again. The last few days were really crappy and depressing. I'm back to smiling and being overly hyper though. Um.. hope Mew and Peach get better. Both were sick.. um... love my handsome man. <3>

Life is just a nightmare that you dont wake up from.

2004-09-28T00:16:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Climax Blues Band - I love you
Mood: Iffy
Special something(?):

Complaining again.. nothing's new. Just real tired of my family life. Nothing helps anymore.. I just feel like throwing everything away. I have nothing anyway.. what.. a bunch of football cards, pokemon cards.. clothes.. a computer.. GOD MY LIFE IS SO USELESS. SON OF A ... gun. *sigh* There's gotta be something out there for me. Something I am missing. God.. it has to be there... right? -_- My hopes are shot. I just feel like throwing in the towel. Just screw it all. Love doesn't excist. It's a lie. I don't think I'll ever know true love. No.. I'm not talking about relationships. This is about home. Or should I call it hell. I just wanna hop on a train sometimes.. and just listen to music as I travel far away somewhere. Rainstorm.. that's all it is. A rainstorm.

Deep yet Random..

2004-09-24T00:33:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Foo Fighters - Everlong
Mood: Iffy
Special something: See below.

Hm.. we made it to NC safely.. thank The Lord. This is one of those late night updates.. my mood is blah... I get so down sometimes. I hate it too.. Today I have an interview.. had one yesterday.. hopefully someone hires me so I can get a lot of the plans I have put into affect. Dang this is taking long. I'm tired.. bah.. I need sleep. Yes, I'll go to sleep soon. Just thought I'd update. I really could have used a walk tonight.. *sigh* Why must I continuously tochure myself? I really need to get the crap beat out of me. I need a wake up call. I need a reality check. I've wasted so much of my life. I'm pissed off at myself. I can't do much about it either. I don't have school, a job, anything really. Hopefully I'll land a job soon though. God.. what a dumbass I was for getting my GED.. but I was so tired of putting up with people. I still am but I dont have to deal with them much as before.. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I look at things the way I do? Did God choose this path for me? I'm so lost and confused. I could have been so much more.. yet I lack so much. Why am I such a loner? I can't understand it. I can't talk to people much.. I get nervous.. I mean.. I can if they are a customer.. but to make friends is like.. ugh. I have no problem at all talking to guys I like though. Yeah, yeah. No need to hold your laughter in. But seriously.. I turn people down who offer me friendship. Random girl: "Wanna come sit with us at lunch?" Me: "No. Not really." I'm.. ugh.. so different/difficult/something. I don't even know anymore. I feel like such a fool.. that's all I know. I mean.. I don't always get nervous.. sometimes I just get cold and/or just dont care. I wish I did though.. next time someone asks me that .. (IF THAT HAPPENS =/ [no more school]) I really need to think about it.. aw well.. maybe when I get a job I'll open up a bit more to people. I bet I will.. then things will get better. Well anyway.. hopefully getting my hair done today/tomorrow.. buying earrings.. interview at Target.. Well.. enough nagging for one night.. Thanks for reading.. :/ Oh.. and please forgive me for being moody lately.. just kinda down.. and um.. much love to my boyfriend.. he passed his mid-term... yay sweetheart.. *cheers* Sleep time. :/

Ow. My toe. My toe.

2004-09-09T09:39:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: n/a
Mood: timorous
Special something: n/a

Hm. I'm in the middle of taking a couple tests. Today I need to finish A+ so I have a chance at graduating. My teacher is pretty leet. I'm allowed to send most of my work in over the internet. (aka email) Yay. Now I can do this. I'll most likely use this as an excuse to get some sort of internet connection faster. Mwhaha. Today is ok so far. I'm just a little on edge about moving and such. I get to spend the night with my dad most likely. Yes, I am most likely going to the library tonight. I'll say my temporary goodbyes and what not. I hope that my dad doesn't make a scene. He may start to cry and beg me to stay. I can't though. I mean, I can, but like there is nothing for me here. At least there I have a shot at a decent job. They are way more technical there. Maybe I can land a job as a bench tech or some crap. Blah. Even getting a job at McDonalds is better than nothing at all. I wonder what the new house looks like. My mom said it is one of the better cities in the US. Sounds promising. She said I can go walking and jogging at night safely which is a major woot. Erm, hm. The only thing that may be a challenge for me is the SATs. Florida's school system sucks so bad. I'm going to need to major study and crap. First off, I'll study for my A+ exam and then maybe worry sometime later about college. We'll see though, right? I'm getting a job first though. That's a biggie. Well, I need to scat. Time to study for the last chapter I need to test on. Update later most likely.

Back and better than ever.

2004-09-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Lauryn Hill - Doo Wop (that thing)
Mood: fly-by-night
Special something: See below.

This music is leet. Some of the lyrics:

The second verse is dedicated to the men
More concerned with his rims and his Timbs than his women
Him and his men come in the club like hooligans
Don't care who they offend popping yang like you got yen
Let's not pretend, they wanna pack pistol by they waist men
Cristal by the case men, still in they mother's basement
The pretty face, men claiming that they did a bid men
Need to take care of their three and four kids men
They facing a court case when the child's support late
Money taking, heart breaking now you wonder why women hate men (Hehe)
The sneaky silent men the punk domestic violence men
The quick to shoot the s***n stop acting like boys and be men

**Lyrics over**

I haven't been online much due to random problems that seem to come up. Let's see. We didn't have power for awhile. Now the problem consists of our phone company messing up. BellSouth is a big company and a lot of people have no phone service due to complications they are having beyond my knowledge. All I know is they better fix the problem fast. They must service about 4 states or more. That's a lot of angry customers. Today I have to research cable and internet companies in NC. I didn't realize too long ago that we move on Friday(2 days). *sigh* I don't know when I'll have internet back.. hopefully soon. Thank the Lord that the storm wasn't so bad. Our house is still standing tall. I can't wait to leave FL. We are going to a bigger house. I'll finally have my own room again.. well, if things go to plan. Sammy(Videlthehottie) emailed me. It was sweet. She said she missed me and crap. Of course I had to respond. Sammy was always cool to me. I miss my bestest friend on IRC. I love her like a sissss. Aw well. It seems she moved to Australia. Maybe sometime she'll come on IRC again. Hm. I miss the channels.. miss my friends.. miss my boyfriend... Pssh. I hope the internet and phone work sometime before I leave for NC. I wanna stop on IRC and see what's up with people.. NC looks promising. I'm gonna try hard to get a job. I have to save up for a trip. '-' We'll see how things go though. I'll most likely update later. Just know I miss you guys and gals and what not. I hope things are going well for everyone. I miss my handsome man, too. Thanks for making me feel better baby. You're the best. =P Hm.. will update later most likely.. gonna go study and stuff for right now. Oh yea.. I don't think my dad knows we leave this Friday. I can't tell whether he is trying to avoid us or what not. I left him a message asking if we could see him before we left. No response yet. Aw well. I'm thinking about meeting up with people from IRC who live in NC. I may also hang out with David(GR) some. Don't ask why. He claims to be different now. We'll see, right? ;x

Ouchie

2004-09-02T13:08:00.000-05:00

Quick Entry: Leaving soon. We are going to my mom's work place for shelter. The hurricane is said to be bad so we may be down there till Saturday or so. *sigh* What a bad day for PMS to start. =\ I hope my dad is ok. I think he is staying at his house.. Our step dad came over today and he is staying with us. He's kinda scared. He was here for Andrew(bad Hurricane), so I guess he is fearful. Blah.. gonna miss my friends on here. I hope nothing gets destroyed. We still need to sell this house. I'm hiding the computer in the closet, laying down. Ugh. I feel like crap again. Hm.. I'll miss you all my online friends. Hopefully everything is alright. I'll miss my b/f definetly.. blah.. well.. later.

~Godbless

...much like suffocating.

2004-09-01T07:55:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Chevelle - Send the pain below
Mood: crestfallen
Special something: A+ on Chapter 16 test

This song deserves much love. =\ Back to school for me. Woke up about 7:30 this morning. Yeah that's cutting it close when it comes to being on time for school. I wasn't on time anyway. I decided to come in late after my mom had me looking all over the house for a check she was suppose to get from my dad delivered by my brother. Success on finding the check: failure. Maybe my bro took it with him to school. That ought to go over great. My cell phone ran out of mins again which kinda sucks since people txt me and crap and I can now not receive them till I get more mins. My throat seems to have gotten worse somewhat. It's scratchy and when I talk I sound kinda deep. My cough has also gotten worse. Fun, fun, fun for the girly one.(me) I almost threw up this morning when brushing my teeth. What else has today already broughten? Oh yeah. My mom said the person who was thinking of buying our house may back out due to roof damage. Unless my mom gets it fixed which will cost her $3,-5,000, or so I hear. I'm hoping my bf gets my memo or whatnot so he won't feel mad/unwanted by me. Cause he is definetly wanted. Josh is mad at me kinda. I owe him a call. I talked to Kevin this morning and wished him a good day and what not. Last night/this morning was fun talking to Rach and Joel on MSN. Until Joel started actting his age again and being mean to Rach. Meanie, Joel. I need to do some work. May update later, may not.

Update: Dumb school. I think they blocked access to any irc server. This sucks. First they try to block my blogging so I had to find about 3 different ways around it for each time they attempted to block. Now, I go to connect and it says something about the networks not being found. Grr. Always trying to toy with me. Aw well. >=\

--'

2004-08-31T05:51:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Eagles - One of these nights
Mood: Iffy
Special something: something '-'

I'm staying home from school today. Why? Sick. I woke up about 6:25 feeling like crap. My nose was stuffed, muscles sore, and my throat is still irritating me. I'm gonna try to get encouraged to study today even though I feel like this. I have to stay focused though and remember that if I want to complete this term, I need to bust ass. Forgive my terminology. Blah.. I have a light headache now. I just woke up my siblings and such. I need to email my teacher and tell her I won't be in. Almost time to go back to sleep or something...

How do I breathe?

2004-08-30T09:27:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Offspring - Self-esteem
Mood: Anxoius
Special something: na

Not too much going on today. I just got back from my walk during break. This morning I worked on my keypad a little. I'm trying to get my stuff done so I can graduate. I asked Earthlink if they supported WinXP for their cable service(wasn't a listed OS) and the guy said yes. So I'll probably sign up for it today and have it ready for activation when we move. Hopefully this works. A lot of the time things dont go according to plan. My mom said I should be sharing a room with my sis which kinda sucks. My sis likes to steal and crap. The only thing that will be of real value to me is the computer. If she stole anything from that I'd break her arms. So.. I should be able to be online a lot more if this works. My sis will hopefully make friends and stay far away from me. Today I'm gonna try to go to Wal*Mart and pick up a USB flash drive. What is a USB flash drive you say? It is kinda like a floppy disc is to a floppy drive. The USB flash memory is smaller than a floppy disc and connects into a usb port. You can save a bunch of crap onto it. I'll need to save a lot of work to it and bring it home if I want to finish this term. If anyone wants to see what a USB flash drive/memory looks like, here's a link: http://www.flash-memory-store.com/usb-flash-pen-drives.html Pretty neat, huh? Well.. you don't have to like it. I'm just kinda nerdy and find some things more nifty than others. This morning I was talking to this guy in my class about relationships. He thought Matt(Hydra) was my b/f because I read his blog and Matt has a pic of himself on it.

Him: "So, is that your boyfriend?"
Me: "What?"
Him: "That guys pic you look at a lot. Is that your boyfriend? His hair is kinda.." *uses hand motions*
Me: "OH. Him. No" *hah* "Just a friend."

After that small dialogue he asked if I had one and where he was at and how it was going. I then reversed it on him and asked him the same questions. He was all 'nah'. 'I use to.' He then went into story mode kinda about his last one which seemed to be kinda long term and how she hurt him and crap. It was kinda interesting in a way. Especially since I was bored. He looks young. lol. I took a guess at his age. I was like.. 21? He starts laughing and said he was 27. "You're making me blush." rofl.. I could see him turn red. Geez these people are old. I bet he thinks I am 21 though. Most people guess me about there. Anyways.. I texted my b/f this morning early. He's such a sweet guy. He makes me happy. ^^ Still planning to go to NH... just waiting for us to move and to land a job. I better go. I have tons of work to do.

Update: I miss my b/f. '-' Trying to concentrate on work but it's hard. Misssss himmmmm. --' Gonna study for a little then maybe get online.

Jinkees.

2004-08-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Lonestar - What about now?
Mood: Moderate
Special something: na

Not much going on this morning. Just doing a bunch of busy work. I'm try to finish the term before we leave for NC so I can get a certificate. I can't wait till all this moving crap is over with. I wanna get a job and go to a real college. I've looked at some PC Support Level 1 and 2 classes. I'm gonna enter into 1 then get my associates degree with 2. Wait. Those are also just tech centers. Darn it. Well, when we move I'm gonna apply at Pet Supermarket cause my step dad is HR manager of the whole company and he will put in a good word for me. So instead of going right back to school when we get up there, I may be working. I'm gonna try and save up for college and maybe for an out of state trip. I'm thinking about hopping a train to NH. Why? That's for me to know. I hope life gets better once we move. I hear there are more opportunities there than here in FL which I believe. I just hope that we get internet back right away. Either that or I may have to become "library girl" again. Once I get a job you can bet I'll get some kind of internet fast. Even if I still have to survive with dial-up a little longer. It's so much better than no internet at all. Well, I hope everything goes well for us and such. I'll update with a song and my mood after lunch break. These next few weeks look hellish. Between moving, leaving my dad and some relatives behind, and the chance of not being able to finish this course in time, I'm kinda stressed. Plus, I'll miss my online friends and such but like I said, I'll most likely go to a library if worse comes to worse. Other than all this worrying that's going on, I'm pretty content with life. I have a great boyfriend. We've almost been together a week already. We have each others phone numbers and we txt each other back and fourth randomly sometimes. Lunch break. Will update later. :x

eep

2004-08-26T10:53:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Men at work - Ain't nothing gonna hold me down
Mood: Shakey
Special something: my happiness

My heart had to calm down from beating so fast. I was on the chat while taking a test right? (We are not suppose to be on chats) These two admin peoples or some crap come up and started saying something like 'we know what you are doing'. I started to panic until I noticed they were talking to the guy next to me. I logged off IRC after that anyway. Half day today so leaving in a few mins. Blah blah...

Over my head

2004-08-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Fleetwood Mac - Big love
Mood: Energetic
Special something: something..

I can't wait till break. I really need a walk. I can't concentrate worth a crap today. Last night I got like.. 3 hours of sleep. Tonight won't be the same though. I go over my dad's and I usually go to sleep around 10 when over his place. Something new? yes there is. I won't tell though. Well, gonna try and grab a coffee during break.

Losing emotion...

2004-08-23T09:51:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Nightwish - Dead to the world
Mood: Optimistic
Special something: na

I'm taking a break from work for the moment. Not too much going on today. So far so good. I have to take a test today which I am going to study for in a few a mins. *sigh* Wish me luck. Lately life has been ok besides my random thoughts. I hope my dad doesn't ask me to sleep over today. Other news: moving Sept. 10 about. Mew may be coming back to RZ soon. He was showing me his apology letter to the server last night. Besides that, not too much going on. Just trying to add all I can to my IRC pic collection. I think I am going to take a pic tonight and put it in the folder so I'll have one of the so called, "SSgirl". Well, I better get to studying. I'll most likely update later.

fjdsladjgj;a

2004-08-19T10:00:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Eagles - One of these nights
Mood: sluggish
Special something: na

I just bought a book and mic for my class that I may never use. It cost me about $50 too. I got them because my book list said that term 3 students need to have both of these things. I go to ask the teacher if I can join her group and she says she teaches it mainly at the end of the term. Great. She said to remind her in about 4 weeks. I may be gone already. Thanks lady. I'll just see if I can arrange something with her next time I see her. By the way, the book is called "Dragon Naturally Speaking for the Professional". It's not a novel, no. The book shows you how to use the DNSftP program which involves voice recognition. You talk to the computer and it carries out the commands. Pretty neat, huh? No real need for the mouse or keyboard then. So yeah... I hope I can figure something out. Oh.. and I love this Eagles song. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Well... not really but I really like it a lot. Stayed up late last night. 3 am late. Hehe. Other things going on: still trying to sell house. Well I really need to study. I have a test today. I'll most likely update with the results. Until then...

Try me.

2004-08-18T08:05:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: No Mercy - Where do you go?
Mood: determined
Special something: na

Hm. I'm wondering how yesterday's blog got thru. The school keeps trying to find ways to block the urls I like to go to. First they wouldn't let me log in the normal way way on blogspot.com so I used inside urls to get around that. Then they blocked the link allowing me to create a blog. Now, I am on a computer where apparently they didn't block mIRC or blogspot. Haha. Then again, they may find this and block it, but whatever. Meanies. Not much going on atm. I spent the night over my dads. That was somewhat fun. My dad keeps hinting to me that he wants me to stay and live with him, but I think it would be better if i went with my mom. Why? She knows more about pell grants and such. Plus, NC looks more promising when it comes to jobs. Especially tech jobs. They have tech colleges of sorts and we would be moving to a mostly white area where I could go jogging at night. My mom has to come up with about $15,000 dollars though and soon. In other words, we better sell the house fast. Study time.

Paint on a smile.

2004-08-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Melissa Manchester - Don't cry out loud
Mood: fluctuant
Special something: Term 2 grade - 85

Blah. I could have done better. I will this quarter hopefully. I got a 97 on my first test for this term. Today I was late due to staying up so much last night. I mean, I got up but then went to lay back down and go to sleep. If only I had stayed up. Anywho, I feel kinda fortunate. A new girl just joined our class. She's blind. So yea, a lot of us are lucky we don't have to put up with being blind or deaf. I said a little prayer for her. My teacher volenteered me to help her whenever she needs which I would do even without her asking. The advanced Word class rocks. A few of my friends from term 1 are in there. Maybe I can sit next to them tomorrow. I see that at lunch if not. Life's ok. Just my home life sucks. I enjoy school more than going home. I have a small group of friends just so you know I'm not totally anti-social. I am for the most part though. Hm. Work calls.

Monday morning.

2004-08-16T09:49:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Fleetwood Mac - You make loving fun
Mood: Relieved

I love me some Fleetwood. The new term just started today. This term is gonna go by fast and may be more of a challenge only because I have to finish earlier. I have to finish a 9 week term in about 4 weeks. I hope to do well. It shouldn't be much of a problem if I just focus. Lately it's been interesting. My family pisses me off so much sometimes. I spent most of the week with my dad and siblings while my mom went to NC to check out houses. She gets back and gives me this neat cross necklace. It's gold and silver I think. Let me skip some. My mom calls my dad on the phone and yells at him. She yells at my brother because my dad didn't register in school and she was complaining. I felt bad for my dad kinda. If he told her he was gonna keep my brother when the rest of us left for NC, he should have kept his word. I felt real down even before this happened so this made it worse of course. I enjoyed church with him. We had BK(Burger King) for breakfest and DD(Dunkin Donuts) coffee. He got me some new clothes. He's always offering to buy me stuff. I feel so bad when my mom yells at him.. he gave her $500 that he owed her. It sucks though when you have a good time with someone then you have to listen to them get yelled at called names. My family is falling apart even more. If my dad doesn't keep my brother, Jarrett, then she is talking about giving him away or paying someone to take him. I'm really tired of all this crap. Aw well. On a lighter note, Chris comes back from vacation tomorrow. m00t. While he is away we txt msg each other every now and then. I'm kinda glad to be back in school. I feel happier here than at home. I studied last night. I should do well on a test I have to take today. Now that my siblings also have school, I can study at night. Last night was kinda hard though since they kept getting up and walking around. noobs. Anywho, I have work to do. I just thought I'd update. I didn't in awhile because I was on vacation from school. The computers at my house find blogspot a bad link. So yeah...

Hrm...

2004-08-09T07:42:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Don Henly - Leather and Lace
Mood: Peaceful

This is my morning update. I'm not sure yet if I'll have an afternoon update due to the possibility of being busy. I'm gonna start studying at 9 am and probably study for a good four hours. I have two tests today. I have to do really well. Thankfully my instructor isn't here. Our substitute seems to be one of those people who likes to talk on the phone all day long. That's good for me because I can study extra long without worrying about lectures. Lately life has been interesting. Our house is on the market which means little to no internet time unless it is at night. Guess what? Today is my last day of the term. I have the rest of the week off which means I can stay up all night and be online. I guess that makes up for it. We have to keep the house constantly clean and people can just walk in any time during the day up until about 8pm. That's why I can't tie up the phone line till about then. I guess that is not too bad. I can focus more on losing 20 pounds in 7 days. Remember, if I lose these 20 pounds, I get $100. Not bad. I think I am the only one that remembers/cares. This should be easy though. When Dallas and I broke up I rarely ate, I exercised tons, and slept less. Doing these things led to me losing 10 pounds in 4 days. I wonder if I can work magic. Well, I'm gonna try. Today I'm gonna skip lunch and just get some really good smoothie. It's really good when it comes to vitamins and being good for you. Doesn't taste to bad ether. What else.. um.. Oh! Chris left for California this morning. I hope he has a great, safe trip. Josh is doing ok I guess. His parents aren't fighting much anymore, which is great. I told him tonight we would talk a little more since I had school today and was very sleepy. Also the fact that I kinda stood him up the night before when my mom came home. "Oops." '-' Joel and I are getting along a little better now. Either that or he is just mad happy that he knows how to clone flood now. --' Of course his friends helped him. Creative is his latest target. His learning that could probably haunt me someday since we always seem to get into fights and then go back to being "cool" again. Right now is a "cool" type friendship. I really want to learn how to script but I can never seem to figure out variables. I bet if I take sometime this afternoon to just read through the mIRC help files while I can't get online, I may learn something. Well, we'll see. I'm gonna start studying in about 5 mins. OH! Rach hasn't been doing so well lately. She said she feels weird. I'll have to pray for a bunch of people. Yesterday's church service was excellant. I kinda felt like crying though when I heard all the prayer request. People write requests on paper and drop them in a box or something. The pastor started reading them outloud(of course he doesn't say their name). Some requests were like: "Please pray for so and so, they have.." or "please pray for my relationship.." or "please pray for so and so, they are dying". Ugh. I felt so selfish. Sometimes I get mad at God thinking that he doesn't answer my prayers, but then when I heard all these prayer requests, I noticed mine were little and less important things. A lot of my questions were answered concerning God. I felt real good. I have to think next time before I get mad. I really want to study, so ttyl. Oh yeah, psssh. Bishes.

I started to die which started the whole world living.

2004-08-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Ja Rule - always on time
Mood: Giggly

First off, I'd like to do some birthday shoutouts. Happy birthday to my dad. He turns 65 today. Happy birthday to Matt(Hydra). Today he's 19. That's it for my shoutouts. I'm listening to this radio commercial for Old Navy(I think). I like the jazzy background music. Jazz can be really good music. I could see myself dancing at a club to that. Too bad I'm not much of a dancer. I could be if I knew how and had someone to do it with. Today's the last day of the term. I get a week off about. I can't tell if I am going to come back next term or not. I still need to see what my family is doing. I think I am going to look up internet and phone services for my dad soon. He really needs a phone in the least. My dads great to me. He tries to get me stuff all the time and is usually encouraging. He wants me to stay with him I think. He's talking about getting me high speed internet and maybe moving so I could be in good school zones. Well.. we'll see what happens, right? Rofl. I am having fun on Earthlinks site. There's a live chat representative applet and I have talked to 2 already. I am asking real questions that I need help with though. I just find it neat since I am bored. Matt keeps messing with me. It's his last day so he's actting all hyper. I guess the hyper factor could be because he brought donuts and had about 3. Aw well. I may go home early today. I'm kinda bored. I'll study 13 and 14 this weekend and do them this monday. I hope I get a good grade on my report card. I think I get it Monday. If I do I'll let you know what I got. Good or bad. *sigh* Almost lunch time. Yay.

Hahahahahahahaha

2004-08-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: D12 - How Come
Mood: Happy

Not too much going on today. I was late, but what's new? I've been using a lot of the morning to study which I am going to get back to as soon as I am done with this. I have 3 exams to take today. All major. I hope I do well. I doubt I will on one but the others I should do fine. My mom left to NC this morning. I have to call her and make sure she is ok. Maybe I will do that before I study.. Today I am most likely going to purchase some blank cds for class and a bandana. Why cds? The tech school has some sort of agreement with MS(microsoft) allowing students to download software free! Right now I can snag Windows XP and Windows 98 SE. There's other stuff but I'm to lazy to look at the site right now and list them. The good thing is that they give you a working key and such. m00t. Why do I need a bandana? No real reason. Actually I was thinking of coming to school looking ghettoish tomorrow or Monday. Matt is graduating and since I like to mock him and such, I'm gonna annoy him. It's all fun and games though. He laughs when I make fun of him so he should know I'm kidding. This Monday may also be my last term. Depends what happens with my mom and us moving though. If I do dress ghetto, I'll be sure to take a pic with the web cam and post it somewhere. Either that or just give it to close friends who actually want to see it. This should be interesting. I also plan on waiting for him(Matt) in the parking lot. He said he wanted to fight me. I know he was playing, but I am going to show up for real just to spite him. On a final note, Matt's(Hydra) birthday is coming up. Happy 19th birthday! You're growing up soooo fast. Awwww!!!! Ok... no more shout outs for me. EVER. jk :p

Update:
Still studying. I had a nice lunch, took a walk, then came in and started studying again. I have to take the certification test today. Goodluck to me! lol... I was trying to study from my text and I look up and Matt's staring at me. I swing my pen at him and he just sits back and cracks up. Yay. It's raining. I love the rain(see my irc ident). So I point out that it's raining to people and Matt starts complaining. He asked me to be his umbrella. He also looked at me and started singing this lame song. "Will you be my.. GIRLFRIEND? uh UH!" I smiled and told him to read between the lines while lifting my fist. Ugh.. I need to start being mean to him again. I want to totally throw him off with some witty comment. TeeHee. I need to test/study atm. Peace.

Today, I dream of friends I had before and I wonder why the ones that cared don't call anymore.

2004-08-04T08:09:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Rod Stewart - Downtown Train
Mood: can't complain

I like some of Rod Stewart's stuff. Pretty good morning so far. I only got a little sleep. I went to sleep after 4am. I feel pretty good though, even without coffee. That doesn't mean I still won't get coffee. Right now I am attempting to skip lecture. If I skip successfully, I can get more important work done. I'm back on my health kick. I played bball, walked, and jogged yesterday. Today I hope to do the same, but more. I wanna work on my abs. I also want to work on my arms a little more. I have to lose 20 pds by the 16th of this month. If I don't lose it, that's fine. As long as I get in better shape so I can maybe take up a sport when we move to NC, it'll be ok. Well, if I want to receive $100 I need to lose 20 pds. It's not impossible for me. I lost 10 pds in 4 days once. Let's just say it's unhealthy. I would walk tons, eat little, and sleep little. Hehe. I'll probably go to my dad's tonight. If not tonight, most likely tomorrow. I just remembered something. A few days ago I was making my sis say "ew" and stuff. I'm double jointed so I can bend my fingers in all these weird ways. I can also suck my skin in kinda on my hand so my finger bones stick out more. It feels cool, looks weird. lol. Now that I have disgusted you, I better be on my way.

Update: I added some stuff to my sidebar. No, I don't expect people to use the information I gave because not a lot of people look at my blog. Which is good cause I only want close friends to have it. I just added more to the sidebar cause I like working with HTML and it gave me something to do.

east2west

2004-08-03T11:07:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: Christina Milian feat. Fabolous - Dip it Low
Mood: Happy

Not much going on atm. Today's a so far, so good kinda day. Leet song btw. Hm. I'm emailing my mom back and fourth with school information and other stuffs. One of my friends asked me if I had some time afterschool on Thursday to take a look at her home computer. She needs some help which will give me some experience being a pc support technician. My blogs title "east2west" is something Josh likes to say. Not my bro Josh, my friend. Tomorrow I am going to take an Excel Expert Certification test. If I get higher than an 80% the school gives me a certificate and crap. I hope I pass. If you only need an 80%, then I'm guessing it's pretty hard. I'll try to study tonight when over my dads. That way I have no internet to distract me. :p Um.. life is getting a little better I guess. I told my mom about my brother. She said she would talk to him. She told my bro and he said he would protect me.. though he is afriad of me. I guess that's ok though. I like Rick. Even though he is a Hitler wannabe he's still nice to me. We get along the best out of all the siblings. He isn't really a bad person. I think he just talks a lot. Aw well. Lecture time I think...

Nothing but problems...

2004-08-02T07:31:00.000-05:00

Song playing in my head: The Bangles - Manic Monday
Mood: Angry

Morning update. Right now I'm dealing with a lot of stuff and it's piling up. I think my brother is a perv. I need to tell my mom. Hopefully she will listen. If not, I will tell my dad. If that doesn't work I'm gonna handle the problem myself. It pisses me off so much. I knew I seen an evil mist in his eyes. He's tried to make moves on my sister and I while we are asleep. I HATE PERVS. Dude.. I hope I can control my anger. I have so much atm. I can feel the fire just burning inside of me. God help me. I feel like running away again.. Am I scared? Not of him. The thought of going too far and killing him scares me. I need help.. I'm not gonna be able to focus today.. Gosh darnit.. =/ I need to get to work...

Update: I walked off a lot of the anger I had during break. I think I can focus now. It's just really sick what he tried to do to me. I'm just gonna try to keep my cool.. if he touches me again, I'll hurt him. Right now my life is just peachy. We came home from my dad's yesterday. This morning my mom said she didn't want us back. I love that. My sis, young bro, and myself are not that bad. We went to my dad's along with Jar my other bro. Travis and Rick don't usually go over my dad's. Rick "hates" him. Travis tries to be like Rick. So yeah. I go home to an unhappy family who usually fights. My mom favors my bro Rick. My mom says she doesn't want some of us. I bet she doesn't want me though I'm not a lot of the problem. I have to put up with a perv/violent brother, a selfish, sick(nasty), attitude brining sister, an ADD brother, a wannabe nazi/hitler/baby cooker brother, a special ed, outcast brother, and a mom who complains and has a NY attitude. Now, remind me why I shouldn't start drinking? I'm really the only Christian in the family. Yes, I get mocked. I feel bad for my mom and for them. The word that comes to mind is "corrupt". If I don't go to NC with her and the family, who will protect her from my violent brothers? My God, there are so many issues. I just want to go to college, get a job, maybe have a boyfriend, and get on with life. If anything, skip the boyfriend. I think I'd like life on my own anyway. People are going crazy all around the world. I should focus on The Lord. Anyway, now you can kinda understand why I talk about running away. I have friends irl, but either they are older or not the best of friends. IRC helps me escape my life sometimes.. sometimes it is not enough though. I still wanna go to a beach and just walk bare foot in the sand. I love peaceful things.. Not all peaceful things, but good peaceful things. Enough blabbering.. Thanks for listening. I need to go study or something. =\

The Black Rose

2004-07-30T07:29:00.000-05:00

Playing in my head: Hootie and the Blowfish - Let Her Cry
Mood: Unsure

Hm. I had a dream this morning. I dreamt about a man I once loved. Life always has many different choices. Some of the choices made aren't always the greatest at the time or will effect us in the long run. We never know though. Isn't that right? Life is full of suprizes. Take life one step at a time they say. I wish I took the time to learn how to play my guitar. I found the guitar tabs to that song that's playing in my head. It has a depressing sound and just comforts me in a way. Right now, thoughts are racing through my mind. I've been told not to think too much, but I keep on going. I think if I ever learn to play, I'm gonna write blues type songs. When I think about my life in general, I see people who come and people who go. I find that when I love someone a lot they seem to disappear a lot faster. That's why I fear getting close to people. I just have the feeling of walking off somewhere. Maybe take a train and just ride it all day long. I tried to get online last night and this morning. The internet is being gay. We really need a new service. If it doesn't work at all today, I'm going to become library girl again. Not that it matters much. We may be moving soon. I met Amanda's friend yesterday. The one Amanda likes and wants to go out with. Her name is Tricia or something. Amanda tried to introduce us and Tricia goes "I know her" all mean like. Maybe she seen me back in the day at hs. No clue. I just think she doesn't like me..aw well. She could have gotten mad due to jealousy. Not like I'm going to take Amanda from her. I'm not gay in any way. Oh.. and I am changing my template. Update later most likely.

Ponder, ponder, ponder.

2004-07-29T13:27:00.000-05:00

Song currently playing: Nightwish - Bless the Child
Mood: Anxious

I feel like jumping up and doing jumping jacks. I've sat thru two long ass lectures today. Both were equally boring. I seem to just tune out my instructors completely sometimes. One lecture was about 45 mins long. The other one was about an hour to an hour and a half. During the second one, I was doodling on my arm. I then thought to myself, I haven't wrote stories for a long time. I wonder, is there a site where I can post stories online so I can skip the whole pencil/pen and paper thing? Duh. There's a website for almost everything. So I google it. I find this pretty leet writing site. It will be listed under my links heading. Now, whenever I am bored I can just go there. I also have the urge to find other interesting sites that catch my eye, find helpful, or just plain spiffy. Oh, and the site isn't only for writers! It's for readers also. You can choose to write books and stuff. Pretty neat. ^_~ I think I will start one. That will have to wait till tomorrow though. Silly me.. it's typing.. not writing. Same difference. Time to go home about. Peace.

Ping? Pong!

2004-07-28T11:10:00.000-05:00

Song in mind atm: Styx - Babe
Special something: 96% on Chapter 11 test
Mood: Happy

Yay for my test score. I hope to do that with the next chapter also, if not, better. Today is going pretty good. We got new mice for at home. I was told that when we move almost all of us will have our own computer. Internet? Dsl most likely. Not sure what I am going to do though.. stay with dad... or go with mom. NC looks promising when it comes to jobs, schooling, and family. Florida, however, will have my dad.. and maybe a nice life. What do I do? Not sure.. I sometimes feel weird around my dad. Aw well.. plus.. where would I go to school? I wouldn't be able to walk around as much. At least I don't think so. I think I am going with my mom. No clue. Mom goes to NC sometime next week? Maybe this week.. not sure. Blah. *sigh* life.. Um.. talked to Josh. He used a lot of my phone mins. Blah... he'll be calling my house phone now. mwhaha. Tre is getting a cell today I think. He'll most likely be calling. He's already threatened me with it, rofl. "I'm gonna call you." me: "OH CRAP". Ok.. not really. Well.. need to go to the lecture area.. Hopefully this good day feeling continues. I need to do crunches tonight.. I fell asleep last night..

Don't lie and tell me nothing is wrong.

2004-07-27T12:29:00.000-05:00

Current Mood: Happy
My Song of the Day(atm): Huey Lewis & The News - If This Is It

Hm.. the day got better so I figured I'd blog again. This time on a more positive note. Atm we are waiting for our teacher to start her lecture or what not. It started raining before. During lunch, I walked in the rain. It wasn't raining hard or anything, just drizzling. The rain got a little harder as I was out walking. I noticed that you could see thru my white shirt. "Oops". =x It's not like I meant for that to happen. The best part (/sarcasm) is that I wore a hot pink sports bra.. so yeah. I feel kinda embarrased. It's all good though.. I was talking to a couple people today. During lunch I talked to Cathy for a few mins.. (after my walk). Matt and I have been conversating more and more each day it seems, which is neat. Hm.. I finished my Chapter 12 questions not too long ago. I can't wait to go home. I haven't eaten today.. unless you count chewing gum, food. I can't use my debit card till I get more money on it. I calculated my spending about $27 on it. I only had about $28-29 so this is where I stop. I'll probably need more cell mins soon. Um... Oh! I hope to get my hair done.. What I am thinking about doing is like.. growing it all out. So that means that today or tomorrow, I have to have the back done.. oh.. and I gotta get some hoop earrings! I love medium loops.. well when it comes to size. Extra large ones look really stupid. I bet the really big ones are only useful if you are attempting to rip your ear apart. Sounds like fun also.. Maybe I should get highlights... Or... more hot pink hair dye and hair spray. I would be able to look punk again. >=) But yeah.. right now the hair cut itself is important. All the rest of the stuff I can probably get at the dollar store. Fake bling bling! Erm, yeah. One prob I have is paying for it. Maybe if my mom gets me money for the hair cut.. (if she is done hating on me or at least stops for a few mins) then I can ask my dad for the rest. Sounds okie to me. Either that or I will ask them for chores and get paid for them. Kinda excited.. especially if I can go back to the punk look. Scare people good. Except for that fact that the dye will probably run out of my hair when I go for long, hot walks. Well... we'll see. ttyl!

Stab you. Stab me.

2004-07-27T07:24:00.000-05:00

A Song Worth Being Mentioned:

Hm... Mom is still trying to discourage me. She still doesn't talk to me if she can help it. Sigh. Always the same lame games. This morning I went to go on the computer and I notice that both mice were gone. I can only guess who took them. So I sent her an email asking why they were gone. I wonder if she will respond. I think she is waiting for me to apologize to her. What the frick for? I'm not the one who was talking behind someone else's back. Gosh she is so childish. First, she took the mouse yesterday so she could use it for her computer, but in the process, she knocks over my mic.. and unplugs the camera. She didn't even bother to pick it up. That proves she is trying to annoy me intentionally. Gosh, she needs to grow up. So yeah, today started off ok with my dad but my mom messed it up just like she did yesterday.. which ruined my whole day. Today I have to focus tho. On a lighter note, my dad is talking about getting cable internet! ;p m00t. I asked him last night if I could live with him. I guess he said yes. Aw well. See the thing with him is not so much that he doesn't want me, it's more of he probably doesn't feel like having anyone of us. I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that my mom needs to cut the stupid crap. I talked to Josh last night. Nothing bad. He actually helped cheer me up a lot. It did eat a lot of my cell mins though. Oh, and I left my cell in my dad's minivan. That just adds to how interesting today will be. As for my mom taking the mice, if she fails to bring one home, or at least tell me she will, I'm gonna go around her and ask my teacher if I can borrow one. ;) Gosh, my mom's foolishness is so... ugh. Why does she act like such a child? Even though she is taking away stuff, destroying stuff, throwing away my clothes, it's ok. I still love her. She is just trying my patience. If she continues, honestly, I 'm gonna do something stupid like hold a knife to myself. I can't stand people like her. I am thankful for all she does for us, but she really needs to shape up. I use to look up to her because of the hard work she does, but now I think to myself, "why should I look up to a child?". Aw well. Hm.. I'll update later with a name of a song. Rented some movies last night.. the ones we watched were ok. So far I've spent 2 nights over my dad's. I hope he wants to keep me. We are both Christian. Very good. Hmm... besides that I have yet to see what this day will bring...

Just for you...

2004-07-26T07:32:00.000-05:00

Currently rocking on to: Nightwish - Phantom of the Opera

I don't usually come on here just to complain, but lately I've been dealing with a lot of stuff that is really bringing me down. This morning was ok.. I went on the chat a little to see who was on. I hope my mom doesn't get home till about 6 because I'll be able to get online. She's ignoring me. I honestly don't know what her problem is but I am really getting tired of her emotional cases and abuse towards me. Why is she mad? I can only think of a few reasons.. but it started when I stayed up all night on Fri. and Sat. I don't understand why staying up all night on the weekend is bad.. All I try to do is sleep during the day and for some reason, that pisses her off. She really needs to chill and sthu. She says stuff like "I'm back to being the only who does anything around this house again". Just... please. PLEASE sthu. I HELP ALL THE TIME. I ask her if she needs help.. she'll say yes or no. Whatever her answer is I'll respond in the most positive way I can atm. But no, I stay up one weekend so I can have fun from studying in school and have fun, then it's all over for us. So.. the boys can stay up and play video games all night and just get yelled at then it's let go of. For me, NOOOOO, it has to involve an attitude and her ignoring me. I don't get it. IS IT BECAUSE I DON'T READ ALL NIGHT? DOES SHE REALLY HATE ME SO MUCH THAT I HAVE TO SUFFER? Maybe someday, I'll just walk up to her calmly.. and say "mom.. this is for you"; then stab myself with a knife. I'm honestly tired off all this bs. HONESTLY. I stayed over my dad's last night.. When I get home she gives me the attitude of go live with him. You know what? I'm not good enough for any of them. They are all dumbasses. My grandma did the same thing to me when I was living with Dallas.. she tried to get all the info out of my bros about how I met him and where I was. She hated me it seemed and wouldn't talk to me. People like that can drink piss. I'm so tired of always having to do what everyone else wants.. I'm thinking about running away. I'm SO sick of this crap. How will I take care of myself if I did run? No clue. I'll just collect some money, put it on my card, then go. I don't belong here. I just know it. What if they got the card denied you ask? I'm smarter than that. I would get all the cash out then leave. If no one wants me I don't want to be around. It's not like I have a social life anyway. I have no irl friends really.. I have a family that treats me like crap. Where is the love? I don't feel it anymore.. I hope that if I do run away that God goes with me and guides me. I don't know where I belong. I don't feel like being at school today.. I feel like walking.. walking far.. No matter what I do I can't seem to please anyone. I was walking on the way to school and some person honked at me when crossing the road. I was using a crosswalk.. I just gave him/her a look.. Then I start walking again and I notice they pull into a parking lot near me. I thought they were coming to yell at me or some crap. The mood I was in atm was "wanna fight? get out and let's go". I was actually hoping they would come over. That's right. There were 2 passangers. I don't care. When I'm in a bad mood I'll take you both on. Pfft. I love my life.. always some problem with someone. I'm starting to get the attitude of 'screw you all'. Or as many on the chat like to say, "You deserve it". Whatever.. I'm tired of all this crap. I feel like typing up a nasty(mean) email to my mom. It's not worth it though. She'd cut the internet for sure. Not that I can't go to the library tho.... but I just feel like yelling at her and telling her a bunch a crap. I even feel like handing her a knife and saying, if you hate me that much just do it. JUST GET IT OVER WITH. I don't think I deserve this. I stayed up during the weekend. So the world hates me now, right? Sure. If you want me to get hurt, go ahead and do it. If you want me to disappear, it can happen. Stop being such a dumbass and tell me what the problem is without being so childish. I act more mature than her ass does. I AM MORE ADULT. See.. this is what happened last time.. I had problems in school because of issues like this. SHE DID IT. I feel like walking out right now.. but I can't let her dumbass ruin my life. Oh, and even my dad said she has attitude problems. If she wants me gone so bad I will go. I really want to tell her off.. Just.. ugh. See.. I'm so depressed that I don't feel like studying.. but I must. I'm gonna help my dad find an internet and phone company if I have to and live with him. It's obv that her and I are not meant to be. Things were so much better when I didn't see her for months.. w/e. I'm gonna look now.. I have to ask my dad if he knows how to deal with colleges and pell grants. The thing is with him.. I can't trust him a lot either.. God.. I really don't know anymore. I want to disappear. I WANT TO RIGHT NOW. I'm trying to think of what to do.. I just don't know anymore. Why does this world mock me so much? *sigh* Well I better go study. Enough is enough. Thanks for listening. -_-

It isn't the monsters under your bed that scare you. It's the man next door.

2004-07-23T07:55:00.000-05:00

My song of the day: n/a

Dangit.. it's almost time for a lecture. Wonderful. /sarcasm. I'm kinda.. angry/depressed. My mind is just thinking so many thoughts.. I think too much. It's dangerous too. I'm weird.. sometimes I'll be all happy.. but when I get low, I go real low. Let's take the other day for example. I went to the store with my mom because she asked if I wanted to go and I said 'sure, why not?'. So we are in the store and suddenly this feeling comes over me. I just felt like taking out a gun and mowing everyone down. Why? There's not much of a reason. Sometimes I look at all the people around me and I hope never to be like them. I see bad things in a lot of people. I guess that is something I am going to have to deal with. Why do I feel this way? Hm. I'm not sure. I can't trust anyone for one thing. It seems I have lost a lot of trust in my life. God, I hope we move soon. Oh, and don't think I am some psycho.. cause I am not. I'm just really tired of people.. I've been deserted by people that I have given complete trust to. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking.. sometimes I think it is better if I didn't. Just to go silent for a day or days would sometimes feel the best. I think my mixed feelings are due to my being abused emotionally. I use to get a spanking with my dad's belt.. and sometimes he would go further than that when we lived with him. I guess that kinda didn't help either. The sad thing is.. I hear him talk about how he has changed. When you get him with my siblings though the story seems to change. He doesn't get angry fast anymore.. (so it seems).. but people like my sister like to keep building emotions and anyone will blow up after awhile. The sad thing is that he crys when the kids don't listen to him.. I hate that. I HATE THAT SO MUCH. I HATE WHEN MY MOM CRIES BECAUSE OF US. *sigh*.. *calming down*.. It's just.. I feel like we ruined so much. Trust me. We have. Maybe I wasn't a major part of it, but the rest of my siblings (besides my one bro, Rick) have. My mom got married to a guy she fell in love with, (not my dad.. they never got married.. just had kids), and they broke up after about 2-3 months. Divorce and all. Why? Because of the kids. I wasn't here though... I was in Oklahoma like a jackass messing up my life. Thank God for GEDs, otherwise I would have totally screwed up my life more than I have already. Damnit. I hate my life sometimes.. I really do. I really can't stand people. Especially dumbasses. See.. it's getting bad now. IRC isn't helping much anymore.. I mean it is.. but it's not enough. My negativity is adding up. I hope I don't explode some day.. God help me. I just want out of this world. It's all going to hell. All these rapists, drug dealers, gang members, and bad people in general... YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL YOU IDIOTS. YOU DO BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE AND THEN YOU GO ON LIVING LIFE HAPPILY(in most cases). SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A LOVE ONE GETS HURT OR DIES. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO THEN YOU STUPID DUMBASSES? HUH? Dude.. I wish I had a taser. For each and every dumbass that came and asked me something like this: "Hey little lady, wanna ride?", "How about you hop in?", "Where ya headed to?", "You looking good", ... Ooo. A taser or a gun would be lovely. I'm so tired of this world. I won't kill myself though. That's not a good thing... God wouldn't be happy. Not that he is happy that I am thinking this way though.. Please forgive me Lord. I just get pushed to the edge more and more. I hope God forgives me.. I don't want to go to hell. I'm really tired of Florida.. I want to move to somewhere nice NOW. My mom should be visiting NC soon.. I hope she finds something.. I'm gonna miss my dad when we go though.. I feel like crying. Why do good people get hurt? I can't even seem to find any good people anymore. I've about had it. I wanna leave this world. I don't belong here. I wish I didn't think such bad thoughts.. but I do. I never want to kill anyone really.. I just need help. Thanks for listening to me and helping me.. I usually keep things bottled up but this got out. It helps I must say. I have a test soon.. so goodluck to me. Lord, God, Please forgive me. I hate when I think evil thoughts.. but I'm to the point where I think this whole state should blow up. With or without me in it. I deserve to die anyway it seems. I try to be good and think good but my surrounding environment doesn't help any. I go to school... it's like the only happy part of my day. When I go to stores or anything I either get angry or depressed.. depressed because I want a job and to help people. Even though they fail to help me any. When I go home, it's ok sometimes.. other times I walk in to a dirty house and if I don't get myself and others to clean it, I get to hear yelling, cussing, and other stuff. I also dislike it a lot when my mom and brother team up on me. What they like to do is start picking on me.. and I really dislike the feeling I get when they talk to each other. Why? Well, when they talk around me they talk like I have no clue what they are talking about. Sort of like they think I couldn't keep up with an intellectual conversation. Oh yea.. well he messed up your computer this morning.. she said she yelled at him for it, but I doubt it. When all the rest of us have to clean he can just stay and sleep. You know what? MAKE FUN OF ME MOM. I show you the up-most respect out of the whole family. I don't make many snappy remarks. I don't complain usually when you ask me to do something. I just freakin do it. Is it because I don't like to read a lot that you think I can't keep up in an intellectual conversation? HUH? Yeah.. and how can I trust you when you say stuff to me that 'dad said' and he denies it? Are you BOTH liars? HUH? WELL? CAN YOU BE HONEST WITH ME? Ugh... why do you act all nice around me when we are alone? "I love spending time with you." Why is it different around certain people. I TRY HARD TO DO RIGHT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? Let me show you a messed up but REAL example: Dallas's parents didn't like me because I couldn't get a job. So.. they decide to tell Dallas I treat them disrepectfully. They tell him I read the Bible just to look like I am a good girl and that I am using it to get to him. UH HUH. LET ME TELL YOU. I DO THAT. I MADE DINNER, CLEANED HIS CLOTHES, CLEANED AROUND THE HOUSE, USED MANNERS, HELPED WHEN I WAS ASKED. You know what? Just screw it. No one out there is truthful. Just FORGET IT. I can't even trust my family. My sister is a little thief. My brothers act gay. IRC I can't trust. Just forget it. I try to be nice and it gets thrown in my face.. And please.. please please.. DO NOT think this is all caused by Dallas. IT ISN'T. This is an everyday thing.. I use to be on anti-depressants when I was younger. It just pisses me off... you think you know someone.. and you respect them.. Hell.. I even look up to my mom. I admire how hard she works.. but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.. I do not want her attitude..Sure my bro reads books. Yeah.. ok he has a higher IQ. I DON'T CARE. TREAT ME LIKE I HAVE FEELINGS. I TRY HARD TO BE GOOD. This is EXACTLY why and how some people go nuts. I won't. I'm pretty stable.. I'm just tired of a bunch of crap. I want to go to college once we move.. get a job.. save up for a house and get the hell out and away from people. Last night was interesting.. I talked to Josh on the phone right? So he asks me why I said no when he asked me out. I go and explain and say I need to find the right guy and that right now I can't find him and I don't want to have one. He gets pissed.. and we just stopped talking after that. It's not a big loss though. He's into himself and he's like every other loser. I didn't care for him much anyway. He just pm's me and I agree or disagree. Simple. He is one of those sad pathetic souls. He thinks we were friends.. I have to be nice to people on that server. Hello? Just because I am nice doesn't mean we are friends.. I can't stand friends either.. Just people who haven't stabbed you in the back yet. I have like.. 3 friends in total.. all on IRC. Matt, Rach, and Kyle. I have trust issues about Kyle though.. so not too sure on that one. :\ I need to go and study sometime soon so I better get going.. I feel better now.. Thanks..

Grrr... People.

2004-07-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

My song of the day: Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta get thru this

Dude.. I'm pissed off. Is my day going bad? no. Is it because I forgot to study? no. I studied for about four hours this morning. Why am I pissed, you ask? See. When I first came to this school, I use to go for walks whenever we had breaks and such. I walk during our 15 min break and lunch break. So what's the problem? Now a bunch of people walk also. What the hell? I hate when people copy me. I liked it when people thought I was weird for doing it. They use to ask me questions like "why do you walk?" and crap. Now about 4-6 people walk during break and/or lunch. That's gay. Now I need to come up with something else.. I'm gonna wrap circles around those people. Gosh darnit.. If I have to, I'm gonna start jogging in the hot frikken sun and see if they will do that. Ugh.. anyway I have a couple of tests soon. Don't worry. I should do excellant on these. Besides being pissed off.. I'm okie dokie. I know that isn't a good reason for me to be pissed off, well maybe to you it isn't. Oh yea.. and people in my neighborhood are doing the same thing. I WALK. NOT YOU. STOP COPYING ME. I was walking one evening/afternoon.. and this couple is coming my way. I say hi and stuff and they say they see me walk a lot and decided to try it. They asked if I lost weight doing it. (they were a heavy set couple). WTH is this? Ugh... Now I am going to walk twice as much.. People piss me off.. blah.. Oh yea.. I love my song of the day. It's so leet. I talked to Kyle last night.. it seems sometimes that the more I talk to him the more he opens up to me. Which is neat. He is kinda shy but a really kind guy. Plus cool. Can't forget the cool factor. Josh messaged me last night saying he couldn't make it staying up all night so he would call me or visa versa tonight. I'm probably gonna study tonight. I think I am spending the night at my dad's house. That means, when I get home I need to get in some IRC time. If Kyle is on... m00t. I think I'm gonna try and get to know him more.. he seems pretty leet. We don't talk much though. My fault. I get kinda busy sometimes and I idle when it comes to his pm. He goes and watches anime so when I try to talk to him, he sometimes doesn't notice. Aw well. lol. D_K is gone from the Pojo chans and the server it seems. I was just told that I am back to being manager of the Pojo chans. That's pretty leet. I'll try to do my best for the chans. =) Matt is always a good helping hand though. Class calls..

..Life in the "twilight zone"

2004-07-21T10:13:00.001-05:00

My Song of the Day: Madonna - Dress you up

Hm.. This morning was interesting. I woke up on time.. or at least I thought I did. I glanced at the clock and I saw 7:30 about. That's about the time I leave for class. So ok.. I'll make it. I get up and leave at about 7:45-7:50(still ok). Now.. as I am walking to school I glance at my cell phone to see if I can make class in time. I see 8:13 about. Ok. I'll be about five mins late. I get on campus and glance once again at my cell and it says 9:20 about. I can't understand it. What the hell? Not every clock I looked at could have been off. Some are battery powered and my cell phone does it's own thing. What the hell happened? Can anyone tell me? Did I look at all the clocks wrong? I felt awkward. I'm gonna go to sleep earlier tonight. The reason I stayed up so late last night was Josh asked me to call.. and I promised I would. I don't like to lie aka go back on promises I make. *sigh* On to other matters.. My mom likes a realtor that came yesterday. 3% interest rate while others wanted about 6-7%. m00t. I hope we leave soon. My mom will be going to NC soon to check out houses. I can't wait. Why? If we move.. I get to go to a real college. That'll be so leet. Not only a college. It's a real Tech College. TeeHee. Hm.. I need to take a couple tests soon. Not much of a prob though. I requested some info on the tech college last night. I hope we'll receive it soon. Moving and traveling is kinda exciting. I hope everything goes as planned. Class calls.

..Life in the "twilight zone"

2004-07-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

Call me, beep me, if ya wanna reach me.

2004-07-20T08:52:00.000-05:00

My song of the day: Nightwish - Ocean Soul

Not too much going on yet. I just thought I'd take a little break from the typing program I work with. After break I'm gonna study some hopefully. I have a chance to study chapters 8-9. I don't feel like it though. If I don't study them I will obv. fail the test.. but I can't find the will to care much. I'm ready to study for the next chapter instead. I guess it is because 100 pages is a lot to read. When the material isn't the most thrilling, it's hard for me to hold interest and try. I guess I will though. *sigh* I just got thru checkin Matt's and Rach's blog/journal and checking out the term of the day.. Today my mom said they are having a meeting at her work discussing the possibilites of her relocation to NC. I hope they sign the papers so we can get the hell out of here. FL kinda sucks. Then again, what place doesn't? I have found thru personal experience that FL has mean, rude, snobby, stuck up, stupid people. Other states seem so much better. I think FL has too many rich jackasses. Aw well. Yay.. break time.

Ally's "ham chat"

2004-07-19T13:44:00.000-05:00

My song of the day: Eagles - one of these nights

I love the Eagles... I want their cd(s) along with Fleetwood Mac's. Seeing both in concert would be leet too. Hm. Today will end interestingly. Today hasn't been the best day. I can say that for sure. It looks like I will be walking home in the rain which will just add to it being Monday. Oh, I have to take a test and I know I am going to fail it. This weekend I was helping clean, plant, weed, etc. My legs were sore yesterday... woke up from a nightmare this morning along with my mom saying she was leaving for work. My body was in pain from sleeping wrong on my back. Isn't that the way bad days start usually? I didn't study like I was hoping too. Aw well. I started studying the next chapter so at least I'll know something. I need to read thru another chapter. Why do we have to have all these long ass chapters. It's not fair. *sigh* Well, I better go fail. I'm gonna study some tonight... Tonight I hope to get more sleep. It figures, the one night I get sleep, I get a nightmare along with it. Pssh. ttyl.

TeeHee.

2004-07-16T08:36:00.000-05:00

My song of the day: Bob Segar - Against the wind

I just downloaded this application program called "IconCool Editor". It allows you to create and manipulate icons. Pretty neat. I'm not sure I'm allowed to install it, but it's only a trial version. I figure I can have some fun when bored. Today, being bored will not be the case. I have to take the pre-test I was suppose to take yesterday, the test itself, chapter questions for the next chapter we are testing on, and other stuff. I would have to say right now I feel pretty darn good. My mom called me before I left for school and told me that the company that wants her sent a proposal to the CEO already. Pretty neat. Yesterday, the lady came over to check out the house and it's condition. She said we basically need a "touch-up" job and we'd be ready to sell. You know.. there are always "minor" things before selling anything it seems. Hm... Amanda is probably mad at me. She called all ready to go to the mall and I thanked her but said no. Why? I guess I thought I was gonna study and I didn't. I will today though.. before the test. Even though I'll have to be ready to study about 100 pages worth of information. Hm.. I think I'll mess around with the trial software I just got. m00t. Oh yea.. that presentation that we would of had today got pushed to Monday. I could of held the presentation myself though. I did the work for it all this morning. I learned a few new and useless function formulas. Yes, I will most likely call them useless when I give the presentation. It was kinda hard to find stuff on these text functions.. and at first it was confusing. I get them now kinda.. I found 1 of 5 functions usefull. The one I like is pretty leet too. ie: =SUBSTITUTE(cell, "value to change", "value to replace changed value", instance) Yes, I find that crap interesting. The part that I couldn't understand at first was the instance.. well actually I was confused with the whole thing until I read up on it. It makes sense now. I wouldn't try explaining it on here though. If anyone needs help understanding it, you can ask and I can explain. It's just good ol' Excel. I love my advanced excel class. I wonder if there is anything above Excel Advanced. I'd like to take an Excel extreme advanced or something. It's so leet. Hm. I'm gonna go mess with that software now. :p

Blogging.. for the first time....

2004-07-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

My song of the day: Fleetwood Mac - Gypsy

Wow. My first blog here at blogspot.com. I've tried joining from my house and I couldn't even register. At least I can during class. I need to take a pre-test soon. The pre-test will serve as preparation for the big test tomorrow. Tomorrow's test consist of stuff from chapters 8 and 9. Dangit.. I need to study later. This means when I get home I have to read about 100 pages(seriously) and then study certain highlights of the chapters. I wish the chapters weren't so long, but complaining won't get me anywhere. I just have to focus and try my best. If I at least get a B I'll be happy. Um.. IRC has been interesting lately. Rach and I have been talking a lot more now. Sharing secrets, girl stuffs, etc. Nothing too major tho. Mew has also made boring nights go away even though he isn't really a friend.. he still is cool to hang with sometimes. Once, Mew, Rach, Jebus, and me had an msn convo.. it was rofl.. So I guess we got a little gang going on. Well, at least for the moment. It's all good until someone betrays someone or something stupid. Um.. irl is going ok. I need to go walking later.. and jogging.. and lift some weights.. and play bball. The past couple days I have been too tired for all this crap. At least today I feel better though I still didn't get enough sleep. I need to clean a little when I get home.. Mom said someone might come look at the place. Oh yea.. if Amanda calls.. we are SO going on a shopping spree. She got payed and she wants to drag me to the mall tonight. I'll go or w/e. She wants me to go to her band meet so I can meet her band members and hang with them for awhile, which may happen this weekend. After she said "You and I are going", as in I have to go, I thought it was ok... at the time.. then I remembered that I have to study. Trust me.. studying will take time tonight. 100 pages to study.. and I am only about 15 pages in. Wonderful. I wouldn't want to turn her down tho.. plus I wanna see her freak out. "I'm gonna buy this one and this one and this one...". I can see it now. Us going nuts. Aw well. Her money. =P Well.. I better go take that practice test. Adios...

I'll walk alone.

Wanna get married or run away?

WHY THE HELL CAN'T I DO ANYTHING RIGHT?

Just hold on tight..

Boring.. =/

Raindrops are falling on my head..

baby, come to meeeeee.

It will tear you up insideeeee. =o

I **** you crazy then I'm gone. <- rofl. --'

I won't call you baby anymore.

yea.. :o

Half and half.

....?!

Conquer the world with me.

I have to leave you..

Where is my happy ending?

!

Replay

He came one winter night..

x_x 5 am.........

Do you remember me?

Oh wth.

You're still the one. *hum hum*

What do you want? I want change.

=/

Here comes Christmas.

Tomorrow is just another day.

Once I rose above the noise and confusion....

Ready to settle the score?

Bleed for me.

It's been awhile.

Blood on you.

Hehe.

Boy. I'll be watching you like a hawk in the sky.

If I let you know.. you can't tell no body.

You'd think by now you'd realize...

Doo dee doo

Life is just a nightmare that you dont wake up from.

Deep yet Random..

Ow. My toe. My toe.

Back and better than ever.

Ouchie

...much like suffocating.

--'

How do I breathe?

Jinkees.

eep

Over my head

Losing emotion...

fjdsladjgj;a

Try me.

Paint on a smile.

Monday morning.

Hrm...

I started to die which started the whole world living.

Hahahahahahahaha

Today, I dream of friends I had before and I wonder why the ones that cared don't call anymore.

east2west

Nothing but problems...

The Black Rose

Ponder, ponder, ponder.

Ping? Pong!

Don't lie and tell me nothing is wrong.

Stab you. Stab me.

Just for you...

It isn't the monsters under your bed that scare you. It's the man next door.

Grrr... People.

..Life in the "twilight zone"

..Life in the "twilight zone"

Call me, beep me, if ya wanna reach me.

Ally's "ham chat"

TeeHee.

Blogging.. for the first time....

You're still the one. hum hum